Am I really me?

How do you choose between being the person you want to be and being the person someone else wants you to be? This honestly to me seems like a rhetorical question. How do I choose. I used to think I knew who I was, how I was going to turn out, what I wanted to do. It’s funny I feel like I was more on track with all of these things at the age of twelve. I was always fully myself. I never worried about what people thought of me. As we all know those things change as you get older. You know boys, popularity, everything just seems to hit you all at once. Being a kid with anxiety didn’t help the fact even that got worst over time. Honestly I really want to know. Please tell me how to please everyone. I want to make everyone else happy even if it makes me miserable. I don’t want to be selfish. I don’t want people to think that I care about myself over others. I don’t. I want everyone to be happy and be who they want me to be. The BIG problem is, is sometimes (I tend to do this a lot too) I loose myself in it all.  The pleasing everyone doesn’t work. Everyone wants different things out of you and honestly you can’t please everyone. I want to share this site with everyone I love so they know how I feel but that would be selfish I think. That wouldn’t be safe. Even though I want them to know what I’m thinking, about my lists, I want them and everyone to know how I feel. I am scared. I want them to know about the problems I have and feel safe about to talk about aren’t all that’s there , that honestly they are so much worst then how I have described. Some people I have trusted have turned on me saying that my problems aren’t real. I will not say this to be rude or selfish or in any way hostile. Everyone’s problems are real. The way you feel about them is different then the way someone else feel about them. Some people do take it out of proportion sometimes and want recondition for it. But if you have a problem then as someone I love once said to me “your pain is valid, I don’t care what it is, everyone’s pain is valid”. That is why I do not put my real name on here. That is why I don’t show this website that is like my own personal diary on the internet to the ones I love. I don’t want them to see my pain because they have pain of their own. I don’t want them to worry. I have tried to say who I am, to be who I am. I am trapped in between who I want to be and who others want me to be. Which leaves me with this. Do I turn on one persons back to be what someone else wants me to be? Where do I find myself and keep me here? Do I want to be good or bad? Can’t I just be in the middle somewhere for all these questions? What do I do? Sometimes it feels like I’ll honestly never figure it out.

I don’t know. I can’t even figure out my tags for this post there are so many, I’m sorry.

PG

Gone

Sorry for my absence. Life has kinda picked me up and drop kicked me across time. The summer when I was away was the happiest and the least anxious I have ever been in years and I loved every minute of it. Don’t you love when you’re a comfortable place in your life and then it just all seems to turn around. Like you were happy and the world just went SIKE nope. Basically I’ll give you the rundown. School started…. yay high schools, people I don’t like, work I don’t want to do, and stress I can’t handle. Well anyway it started and that weekend there was a big party to kick off school starting (here’s where it gets bad). I’ll just skip what happened and just go with the girl I hate with a burning passion told the entire school and my reputation was tainted. So for the past month I have been spending my time either at home doing my college work (yes I’m in college too) or hiding from people who make fun of me in the handicap stall in the girls bathroom (sitting on the floor doing work). My teachers also know what happen and how awful high school can be so they let me. The next Monday was the day my best friend for the last ten years left for the navy (basically leaving me here to deal with everything alone). Not even two days later my dog dies (my other best friend for the past ten years). The next day my computer gets a virus ( I hadn’t even had it for a week ) making me unable to turn in my first photography class assignment, making it late. So the shit storm basically took off. I believe my shit storm has been worst than Irma, destroying all my friendships and life but at least it’s just affecting me and not all of Florida. I haven’t posted on my blog, not because I haven’t been able to write but I haven’t been able to post anything I have written. Since all of this has happened to me lately all of my self confidence and the last little bit of my will to live is honestly fading more and more lately. I’m sorry for not writing to you guys lately I will try to write more even though not many read what I put but it still helps me I guess.

Sorry, I missed this

P.G.

Daily Routine

• Wake up after sleeping for twelve and a half hours (or even worst three hours)
• Go through social media for an hour
• Turn on music
• Walk to the bathroom feeling my stomach turn
• Brush all the knots out of my impossible untamed hair
• Put hair into ponytail
• Wash face
• Look in the mirror and tell yourself that it’s going to be a good day (if you don’t then it will undoubtedly be a bad one)
• Brush teeth
• Take down hair and put it in front of your face so no one has to see your acne scars
• Weigh yourself (still to much)
• Go back to room
• Put on clothes for the day
• Change
• Change again
• Transfer playlist from playing on computer to phone and put in headphones
• Go to kitchen and grab a hand full of grapes (if you don’t have grapes you are allowed half a banana)
• Feed dog
• Start to walk to school dreading every step along the way
• Over think every minute it takes you before you get to the school
• Turn music up so loud you can barley hear yourself over think everything that will happen today
• Go into bathroom at school and look in the mirror to remind yourself to breath and that you will make it through the day
• Breathe
• Start to walk down the halls when you see your “friends” who of course have something to say
• Remember that they are always just joking and you need to joke back or they will know that you are being destroyed inside (no one can know)
• Smile so no one can see your pain
• Hang out with even more people so you must be happy with all these “friends” you can talk to
• Try to pay attention in class even though your mind will not stop about what is going on around you
• Stop shaking because people will see your fear and think you’re a freak
• You are a freak
• Try to talk to the guy you want to talk to more than anyone
• He only sees you as another friend and leaves you to go talk to other friends (more important than you of course)
• Lunch you can only eat small amounts or nothing at all (unless you are with friends because they will notice you not eating)
• Since you are a senior try to talk to some of the new freshmen and not freeze up
• Smile (you are prettier when you smile)
• Freaks don’t smile
•  Breathe. You need to breathe.
• Answer your snap chat streaks (those are important)
• Try to talk to him again (same result)
• Walk home tired and discussing, overthinking everything that happened today
• Get ready for work
• Go to work (sit, read, basically pointless job stuff that you have to do)
• Go home
• Check the mail
• Go inside
• Make yourself dinner ( a lot of dinner ) You are allowed to eat.
•  Go out and go for a bike ride on Leroy (don’t forget your backpack)
• Cycle till you can’t breathe and the heat feels like it inhales you
• Go on a swing to breathe again
• Breathe, really breathe
• Smoke. Just a little. Just to take the edge off. Just to be a little okay again.
• Ride home
• Take a shower, putting music on as loud as possible (singing along because you love your voice and no one can hear you).
• Look in the mirror (you look better.. skinnier)
• Try to avoid parents as much as possible
• Try texting someone? (so you won’t be so lonely)
• Little to no answers
• Feed the dog
• Paint in your closet (it’s bigger than your room but not many people know that)
• Maybe write something in your blog that no one knows you have
• Try to go to sleep
• Count your breathes as you try to sleep
• Freak…
• Can’t sleep
• Wake up and read a book
• Check phone for answers (none)
• Go back to sleep.

Repeat.

 

I am a writer… I think

Sometimes I think a little to much which is strange because sometimes I sit there and it feels like I’m not thinking at all. It’s like my mind is a forever black hole, never ending. I read because it feels like I’m apart of something yet I’m not there I am just an overseer. This story that someone created that I get to make my own but then sends me back into the never ending spiral of what I am doing with my own life. I wish I was a writer but I can not write. But I am a writer who can not write, an artist who cannot create, who has a black canvas yet a million and one ideas exploding in my mind unable to be even fathomed by another. I take extraordinary photos to another but to me they seem not even good enough to be ordinary. I want to be a writer but I cannot write , but I can you see I am writing right now that you are reading and hopefully enjoying . My once little blog that I put my feelings on for the world to see was seen by no one but me. Now it is being viewed by people all over the world. I am a story teller because I have a million personalities that I created in my mind where one person could one side of me where another would never know that side existed. Where I create these not lies but adventures that I haven’t done yet to make myself seem more interesting but not for you, for me. I want to be loved by the people that are important to me. Would they like the real me probably not. I don’t even know the real me anymore it’s like one day I’m one person and then the next day it flips. I don’t want to choice just one I want to be all of them. I have even created a new self on my blog where I am everyone and no one at the same time under PG. The self I don’t want to let out yet. I am afraid but sometimes I don’t know what I am afraid of. It’s like my true self has gone missing. A writer is not someone who writes a book. Well it is but it’s so many other things. It can be an artist, a comidan, a scientist, and so many other things. For my English teachers through out the years who have graded my essays, papers, poems, etc. and said that “the concept was good” but still ended up giving me a 60% with a “nice work try harder next time”, where I put my heart into my work and was never good enough. I frown upon you, yes my grammar is not superb and my sentence structure is lacking. It really doesn’t matter to me because I am and will be a writer and if they saw this today they would see how I’ve grown. I am a writer.

I hope

PG

How do I relationship?

Wow another relatable topic that includes my anxiety and lack of social skills. Guess what guys I’m back from across the pond. Not only is it 10 degrees hotter but a lot harder than I thought to adjust to my home then it was to my home away from home. Yet again I have been screwed over by someone of the male gender and feeling betrayed for trusting them. How are relationships so hard for me. I can’t be the only one with this comment. It’s just so difficult to comit to something because of this fear that they will do exactly what the last one that I trusted did. This has left me stuck thinking about what is wrong with me. Another way I feel useless in this   abyss of life. My final year of high school and first year of college begins I feel alone in this adventure. But why does this need for a relationship feel so important to me. Society has always built up this need for females like myself that they need a man to function. Do I? That is what I am really not sure of. Heck I love my friends and they support me through all I do but it feels like there is a level of love that I am missing out on in life. The fear of being cheated on by another. Life is a path of which you choice your own. To most that would not make since of what I mean but it is to say that I have made it this far without someone on my path. You make your own choices. Good luck on yours and wish me luck on mine .

PG

Vacation sanity

So I’m on vacation to see family. My dad is an from another country so it’s not like we drove a couple of hours to go to another state or a town a couple miles away. No. I was on planes for hours. Now I am in another country that I have been to hundreds of times for the month. A month. I’m going to probably go insane. My family is full of hypocrites. They don’t believe in anything I do. They don’t believe in being bi, or trans, or more than two genders, or anything past L and G on the scale really. I’m staying with my cousin and her child who screams through out the night and day. She is only 8 months mind you but still I’m losing my mind. My depression is getting worst again. I was finally feeling better and then not even two days and I can’t handle it. My cousin is trying to play tour guide bringing me to places that I have no interest in and that I’ve been to before and very familiar with. I can’t get a moment to myself , to just think ya know, to just be happy. Even worst my anxiety is killing me unable to talk to anyone I am uncomfortable with. I walked into a shop today and I couldn’t ask a question. I’d open my mouth and there would be no words forming. I just want to get out. Get away from my family. Please. I can’t play babysitter, tourist, family punching bag. I am tired of it. I can’t answer questions to family members more than two words because of fear of what I would say. I miss my friends so much. They gave me confidence that I am now lacking. I have no one here my age, no friends to talk to. I am sad. Like being stuck in a black hole, falling and it never ending just getting worst. I am sorry about the rant but I had to talk to someone or multiple someone’s and rant. For my sanity. What do I do? I’m giving up and 28 days left.

Sorry and thanks

PG

Rock solid

I am not a toothpick. Growing up it feels like I am a rock. Growing up I have always been bigger than my friends. Not as in fat I was actually quite skinny but they were always skinnier. That feeling has always and still their when your friend says “oh you should try this on” but you know it won’t fit and they know it won’t fit but they say it anyways. Every time I walk into forever 21 and knowing that even my best friend an extra small normally at a height of 5″0 and 100 pounds wears a medium. Where you at a height of 5″10 and seen as “curvy” could never fit in anything. Because you have a little bit of a “muffin top” and broad shoulders. Girls that are able to shop at forever 21 are little they are skinny and short. Dresses are like shirts for anyone over 5″6. But I digress. I have always been the biggest, Not the tallest, Just the biggest. I am not unhealthy, in basketball I could outrun anyone and I was an amazing at any position in soccer. But I am strong. I can keep up with the boys when moving furniture. While my best friend can’t carry a 40 pound bag so I do it for her. Shopping is terrifying experience for me because of my curves (fear of my own body). Pants are the worst because my waist is a 7 but my butt can range from a 8-10 so nothing fits ever and with my strange build shirts do not fall or fit the way I want them to. Where skinny friends can fit in anything and look cute, where somethings just fit me differently. They are jealous of my curvy figure and I am jealous their lack of such. They say want girls that are “thick”. That is rarely true. They don’t want a real girl they want a girl with a 3 inch waist who makes her butt look bigger through photoshop and the bathroom sink during a mirror selfie. For the whole “oh well if you just work out and eat right” i do believe me I spend an hour and a half working out almost everyday and I eat healthy. Where some of my friends can eat whatever and whenever and still stay a size zero. In it all I just want to cry. It’s just a lack of confidence I say to myself to reassure myself and make me keep trying . In the end I just have to be okay with it. I was not born to be a tooth pick. I am a rock.

 

Thanks for listening

PG

Panic! Not only at the disco but everywhere

I have many story times of the amount of fear that goes through my mind everyday. As you know I am afraid of almost everything. This is because of my anxiety (at least that’s what I blame). It’s like I have this people phobia. Suprisingly one of the places I am able to hide this fear and be seen as confident is high school. I know go figure where most people fear the most I can hold my head up high…. most of the time. This does not include when I first walk in the front doors that seem to get bigger every time I walk through them. Where I walk through them quickly blaring my music and make a b line to the bathroom but after I sit in the handicap bathroom and hyper ventilate about what will happen when I walk down that first hallway.  When this panic rushes over me it’s like the feeling of being heald in a tight space, like there’s no air to breath. Everything is in slow motion like when you dive under water you just walk seeing everyone who is passing you and feeling as if you can read their minds feeling all of their hateful comments come at you each stabbing you more and more until teardrops start to rush down your face and you’re shaking like an earthquake but you just keep walking as if nothing is wrong. I have nothing to control this feeling, no happiness forcefeild that others seem to have where nothing bothers them. Maybe they have the same fears as I do and they are just a better actor then I am. But I will never know because I can’t read their minds I am just filling my head with made up words that I feel about myself when I see there eyes looking through me as if I was a  skeleton or only paper thin and there looks are a gust of wind about to push me over.

I have no other words

let’s make this a part 1 of a post .

Have a good day

PG.

battle to be perfect

Basically as most girls know it is impossible to be perfect. Looking in the mirror everyday there is always something wrong. In your head all you can thing of is things that you’d change about yourself. Body image is a big deal not only in the twenty first century but in every century know to man or in a lot of cases wo-man. Don’t get me wrong guys have a lack of self confidence as much as girls do but something about it is different. It’s not harder for either but I (as I have stated in many blog posts) am not a boy. Everyday I wake up with anxiety which is not uncommon because I am full of it 24/7. Luckily for me I don’t feel the need to wear make up because not only do I have no idea how to do it but I just do not care for the feeling of not showing my face. I am not putting down anyone who wears makeup believe me if I had any skill with it I would. I digress. Looking in the mirror is a constant struggle. From what I should wear to impress people , to the acne that covers my face, my hair that will always look like a lion that just went through a tornado, and my least favorite my weight. Now I am a big girl. I am not over weight but I feel like I am every time I see myself in motors, pictures, etc. I am actually a healthy weight for my large frame. But I have a strange body frame . My semi- large 5’10” height, broad shoulders, long   torso, medium legs, semi-hour glass figure, slight stomach, and no boobs or butt. Looking at me in my XL dad shirts you cannot tell that I would be the slightest bit over weight (that’s more of a self confidence issue with the shirts cause I don’t like people looking at my butt or lack there of).  People look at me like I am crazy when they find out that I am 160 ( more like 168 but it’s 160 on a good day). I do eat healthy and work out but I can’t fix it . This has created problems for me. At one point I stopped eating. Everyday telling myself that skinny girls don’t eat so much which then turned into barley eating at all and at one point even throwing up my food. But I got past that. That image problem yeah I still have it and I work on it everyday but trying not to care. When I give into my fears and anxiety of what the people around my could be saying I just put in my head phones and try to drown out their hateful words because they are my hateful words towards myself. Perfect girls aren’t real. You may think I am lying but everyone has something they hate about them selfs and those girls on the internet have just as many worries as you do.

Just some thoughts

PG.