Here’s me writing to you again. A tired, hungover, a college student on a Sunday morning just waiting for the local Goodwill to open. My epiphany this morning being that I am wandering around in life with nowhere to go, lost. I am just looking for a purpose like the rest of the world and I think school is just extending that wondering time to figure out what I want. But how do I know if I’ll find my purpose and one day just give up? Every day, I try to scope out this idea of the future and it makes me feel like I’m missing the present. But how I do I stop, I do this great thing called disassociation which means when I get uncomfortable I pretend the situation I’m in isn’t real. I pretend that I’m in a movie, music video, tv show something to compare what is knowing what will then happen next. Not sure if you knew this but life is not tv show and it took me a long time to realize that I do that and even longer to recognize it and stop. A girl I live with always describes me as in my little world like I make my happiness out of nothing, and I do. As humans we adjust to situations, we don’t realize how or why we are adjusting but just that if we don’t, then we won’t be happy. I haven’t gone to any therapist in weeks and everyday I think I will do it to fix everything I was trying to fix at home but now I see it as less important than before. Thinking all my psych classes I can fix myself but even therapists are supposed to talk to someone. I don’t know what to do.
College, where your parents have to send you “sorry you’re depressed cookies” for the first three months. Haha adapting is strange, this weekend I saw my best friend who came here to visit me. You know when a show crosses over with another one. Like when the recess kids were in lilo and stitch (omg does anyone remember that but me #2000kids). I guess for those who never saw that iconic episode I’d use Avengers endgame as another example. If you haven’t seen either then I really can’t help you. ANYWAYS. Everyday here is kind of just turned into a giant repeat of the days before until and alternative force comes into change it. She shifted living here in a way. A good way of course. But now I’m back in my head about life and writing to you. My therapy source away from therapy because I can’t go right now (actually I can but that’s another story). My days are slowly solving shit show after shit show. But I guess that’s progress right. This is my coming of age chapter… It sucks but I guess that’s just part of it. What do I do?
I want a hot tub time machine
I want to move through time and go back in time. It’s one of the best super powers. Imagine being able to go back to the first point you were ever felt depression and stopping it. My mental illness wouldn’t be real because I could go back to the day that it happened and stopped these years of trauma in their tracks. But you can’t do that and it sucks. At the same time, though imagine going back and “fixing your life”, would you be happy of course. You wouldn’t be who you are, but is that better or worst. Maybe I should rather go forward in time then backwards so then I could just prepare for every bad thing that would ever happen to me just so when I felt like shit I would know why and how to fix it and that I made it through the problem. I don’t know. I’m so sad every day. My anxiety has been so bad. I’m back to being sick again. I wish I could go back in time to see how I fixed myself last time, or even forward to at least see that I made it through at all. Every days black hole has just come back into my life stronger than ever and I have no idea how to battle it this time. All I know is that my head hurts, my eyes are red, and my chest is sore. It feels like that’s just going to be my life for a little bit. Wish me luck?
maybe yeehaw
Going to college = knowing what you want to do in your life and since I’m one of the only 18 yr old juniors I know I have to figure that out. Well I guess I was supposed to have already figured that out in the first two years of college that I decided it would be okay if I skipped. Now I’m here, stressing again about what my future is going to be. I’m staying as a psych major just because I find it really interesting but I think once I get my bachelors in two years or maybe even masters I’m just going to do counseling on the side. I also am surprisingly ready to start a family (is that weird?). I want to move out into a small town or rural area and start a farm with my husband/ boyfriend and three kids (maybe more, maybe less). I feel like being back out on a farm will be good for me and it’s where I thrive. Now I just have to figure out how to put that plan into action because it’s been in my dreams now for weeks and I’m ready for it. I guess just another thing I have to wait for (yay). Wish me luck in my current situation and email me if you have any connections to help me start this farm 😉
college puke
My anxiety has been a mess since I moved into college. How much of a mess might you ask if we were face to face and not over a screen. Well let me tell you. My anxiety has not only been making me cry 24/7 but has gotten to the point where I can’t even keep food down. I have thrown up 12 times in the past two days. I can’t go to mental health until Monday. I have no idea how to make myself comfortable here. I had a really hard time being comfortable at home so being here is a whole new world and I don’t do well in the idea of change. Not that I’m against change but my anxiety sure is so it just won’t let me live a life. I don’t know guys. I miss my mom.
HEY
I haven’t gone missing or maybe I have, I’m not sure. Guess what though, after complaining about high/ college (because I go to an early college) I have graduated which I guess means I’m an adult. I don’t feel different but when I look around at other people I feel like I’ve changed. I feel like that nervous little quirky thirteen-year-old isn’t me anymore. My anxiety doesn’t take over as much as it used to, I can semi-control it which means it will get better as I get older (or not but here’s hoping). I don’t know if I’ll keep blogging through college or maybe I should just to stay in the right head space. The days ahead are looking brighter.
I’m sorry I didn’t mean to
I naturally blame everything on myself. When something, anything, goes wrong it is my fault. I never knew that I really did this until yesterday. I was sitting in the car with my best friend listening to music through YouTube. I go to play the next song and a commercial pops up. Immediately I say sorry and she looks at me and replies “for what you don’t control commercials.” When someone does something wrong to me I end up apologizing to them. Why? Good question. I put myself into that situation so anything that goes wrong is automatically my fault because I could have chosen to be/ do something else. I “live for people”. I want everyone to be happy all the time so taking the blame never seems so bad. I do it so often and honestly I’m kind of mad at myself right now for always doing it. Anyone messes up I feel like I need to take that blame from them or then they will feel bad about it. Does that make me a good person or a stupid one? Taking the blame all the time just leaves me feeling miserable but usually that’s okay because I’m so used to being miserable all the time anyway. It’s not like every time is someone else’s fault and I take the blame, believe me, I fuck up all the time too I’m not saying that I don’t. Honestly I don’t think I can change this or that I’ll even try to but it needed to be said. I needed to write it down. I need to know that I am aware of what I’m doing to myself because then at least I’m not blindly hurting myself. But hurting yourself is still hurting yourself I guess. Honestly I just wanted someone to read this and see that they aren’t the only one who does this. Or maybe I am the only one who does this. It just seems like lately I’m helping and not being helped, which again I don’t want to complain about I love helping my friends. I’m just alone but never alone, I’m just…..miserable.
Lately the whole world feels like it’s against me. The least helpful part is that I’m already against myself. Lately I’ve just been trying to keep up. A new job, my other job, my social life, and school. Not to mention my anxiety and depression slowly but surely kicking my ass. What do I do? How can I fix everything? Is it even fixable? At this point every time I open my mouth to speak it’s like little razor blades are stabbing me in the throat as the words come out. Trying to hold in my tears and distract from the pain. I guess in times like this I’m just happy to know who my friends are and be sad about who I thought were. Everyone has rough times so I’ll stop complaining now. I’m so ready to start this new chapter of my life but it’s still months away.
Small update
One of the first things I ever wrote on this blog is how I didn’t understand why it was seen as wrong to be gay or something like that. That was almost two years ago which is kind of crazy now. Difference between then and now is that I am okay with saying I not only like boys but I also like girls. I’m happy to be out, well kind of. I hate telling people.. It’s like they look at you, their eyes change even though they are trying so hard not to react I can see it. They see me as gay now even though I still like the opposite sex. They don’t even see they see I am a girl who likes other girls. Some people think it’s wrong, others accept me but don’t understand, some understand and don’t care. The ones I have a problem with are the people who think it’s hot. I am not a sex object for you to exploit. Yes I like girls, no that does not mean I will have a three way with you or make out with my girl friend in front of you because you think it’s hot. It’s just this whole new world of hate and people not understanding, but that’s what I’ve been thrown into I guess. Also if you were wondering I’ve gotten accepted into my top two schools for college! That’s all.. Happy Sunday.
Count down
I’m down to my last four months of school. This means nothing to you unless you know what it’s like to need to get out and explore. To those people I solute you. Thinking about my last four months it’s hard to think I won’t see any of my school friends for a long time, if ever. Not that I don’t care about them but school friends are just that, school friends. So what do I do? I’m set to go off to school in the fall. I’m just passing the time until then. Just filling up my time until my graduation. Funny that once I was so afraid to leave and now, I’m counting down the days. But how do I fill my time now I have something on the line? I used to just not care about consequences because I didn’t care about my future. I didn’t see myself having one. I want to make the most of every minute I have left. I think high school is just a way to learn to get over your insecurities, or that may just be for me. Once I walked down those halls in fear of judgment and today I walk down them thinking about how nervous I was. Sure I’m still terrified of pretty much everything, my anxieties are known to control me. I’ve been fighting back, not always a winning battle. I’m so ready to take on the world but I can’t yet. Just have to take it one day at a time until the day comes.
What Do I Do 562 