My heart in the abyss

My life is under a fake name so no one will find out my struggle. How often I want to send out this blog to the people I love so they can see it but I won’t because they might see a side of me they have never seen, something they don’t like. The part of me that is deep, caring, intelligent. The part I don’t want to let out in fear. The goofy kid doesn’t always make it the farthest in life but they have the most “friends”. You know not the friends who truly care about them but the friends that laugh at them, not always with them, just at them. I am okay with being that kid most of the time. One of the things said about me that I hate is “of course *insert my name* likes the person that everyone else hates”. This is because I hate that they see this as an insult and not a compliment. Sorry I want to find the good in people who sometimes do things wrong I would hope if I slipped up people would do the same for me. I am not afraid of seeing the good in people I am afraid of not being able to see the bad. I trust many who have hurt others and myself and then began to be friends with them. I do not always see the toxic that others feel is there. I feel everyone has a good side. Also there is a very big difference between me liking someone and being civil towards them. I will talk to whoever wants to hold a conversation, I like to see them smile and laugh like anyone else. I love the words that anyone holds that could potentially make someone else happy. This does not mean they are my friend but an acquaintance. Are you friends with someone in a movie or a singer with your favorite song or even a news caster with views you don’t agree on? No but you still listen to what they have to say and have an option on it. I want the world to prove me wrong that even the worst people have a good side. That the murders did it because they were protecting their families, that the politicians are fighting for a cause they believe could help the world not just their bank accounts, that even the most toxic people volunteer on weekends helping others because they feel it’s good to help someone in need. I want a bright side.  Sometimes it feels like I need a blanket for my heart to keep it warm because in a world going through global warming it people seem to be getting colder and colder everyday.  I am more than just one thing. I am can be goofy, smart, caring, wild. I will make it somewhere. One day I will say my real name. Someday I will feel comfortable enough to come out of the dark hole I hide in, but if you decide to come in and look in that black abyss, don’t be scared follow the faint speck of light that is my heart and you will find me. The problem with my abyss is it is always open just no one looks inside or once they do they don’t like what they see and leave. My abyss is open to walk in and out of my life. I can’t close it even though I wish I could lock in it a million boxes with codes so no one could get in, so no one could hurt me again. I guess enter as you please, all are welcome, please wipe your feet and try not to walk all over me. I will try my best to be everything you want.

Thank you for reading my fears

PG

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Maybe alone (a mini rant on life)

Hello hello, PG here with another rant for you. I have been really busy with finals as I feel most of us have lately if you are in college it can be stressful to keep up with life, friends, everyday social life when you need to cram all the things you learned into your mind so you can take a test of all of it in less than two hours. Honestly it’s stressful for anyone to do that even when you are going to have to take your finals in any grade. The whole system is ridiculous thinking that children should have to remember all of these things for one day and then it be up to half your grade and then reflect on your teacher who is honestly trying to teach a bunch of kids who only 3 of them are really interested in what she is saying. NONE OF IT MAKES SENSE. We are all just doing our best and then you are going to use standardized testing to decide our fate. I digress. Tell me why this time of year when we are all stressed out all ready that every piece of drama has to rise from the dead and add even more stress. Especially when I am trying to sit in my math class while I’m trying to take notes and at the same time three different people are texting me about their life problems and then don’t listen to my advise. I am trying to pay attention in class a week before finals getting flooded with last minute work by my teachers and help you. I know we are friends and I love you more than anyone in the entire world but I can’t come to you when I’m depressed because it’s like my problems aren’t real yet yours are. Why am I even putting up with you, you won’t even listen to me. Lately life just seems like I am everybody’s therapist, their rock, they come to me when they need something and honestly I love it sometimes but when people don’t listen to what I’m saying and then I can’t go to them for help. It really makes me so mad. It sucks for life to feel like you have a ton of friends and no one to talk to when you need help or you’re down. I really have to realize that life isn’t fair but I hate the feeling that I am alone. I’m starting to realize that I’m kinda on my own, that people are all just trying their best so I can’t be mad at anyone. Thank you for reading my rant or if you didn’t I understand why I just really needed to get it off my chest.

Hope it all gets better,

PG.

Nightmares. I’m pretty sure everyone has them once in a while. The ones where you wake up all of a sudden and your heart is racing. I have nightmares every night. I toss and turn. I wake up screaming, crying, covered in sweat, unable to breath. I don’t know why this happens and it’s honestly really scary. A lot of my nightmares I can’t remember. I don’t know what to do to stop them. At this point I dread going to bed. I don’t want to sleep because I don’t know what’s coming. I’ve heard it all. Did you eat right before you went to sleep? Have you been watching horror movies late at night? The answer is no. Honestly. I swear. At this point I go to sleep and then wake up every couple of hours from my nightmare and then go back to sleep. I don’t sleep well at all and then I’m exhausted the next day. Sorry to end short and write about something incredibly boring but I just need some answers I guess.

PG

 

Heart lead the way

When riding in a car or on the bus I close my eyes and see if I can feel the road. Like I can create the picture of where I am in my mind or with my eyes closed know where I am because I know how the road feels. It’s probably a little strange but I swear I can do it. My heart feels the way. Like when you’re in the dark but still know where to step even though you can’t see where you’re going. I want my life to guide me that way but so far I just keep bumping into everything along the way, falling into holes, hitting all the bumps and obstacles along the way. But life is like that. Like walking in the dark trying to find the light so you can see where you’re going, but you can’t, all you do is try to feel your way. My heart guides me sometimes when I know my head should be telling where to step. My heart gets me in trouble a lot. I know it means well. I know it wants the best for me. It just wants to be happy. I just want to be happy.

PG

Translucent

Life has made me want to give up. Sometimes on the inside it feels like I already have. Like everyday things are growing, changing, breathing, and I am standing still. Like being stuck in quick sand unable to move a muscle. As the days grow shorter and the nights become longer my life fades away. With every word I speak is being lost in translation. Only time will tell where I am going but at the moment I am going no where. Stuck in the black hole of my mind. I am becoming translucent. No one sees that I am slowly becoming translucent but why would they. No one sees me slowly sinking into the quicksand that I am stuck in, slowly gasping for air as it swallows me whole. The thing about becoming translucent is no one knows when you go missing. See while I am standing still the world is moving in fast forward. Everyone seems to be changing without me and no one caring that it is. Losing touch with the people I’ve always been with my entire life because their lives are changing and they don’t need me anymore.

 

Am I really me?

How do you choose between being the person you want to be and being the person someone else wants you to be? This honestly to me seems like a rhetorical question. How do I choose. I used to think I knew who I was, how I was going to turn out, what I wanted to do. It’s funny I feel like I was more on track with all of these things at the age of twelve. I was always fully myself. I never worried about what people thought of me. As we all know those things change as you get older. You know boys, popularity, everything just seems to hit you all at once. Being a kid with anxiety didn’t help the fact even that got worst over time. Honestly I really want to know. Please tell me how to please everyone. I want to make everyone else happy even if it makes me miserable. I don’t want to be selfish. I don’t want people to think that I care about myself over others. I don’t. I want everyone to be happy and be who they want me to be. The BIG problem is, is sometimes (I tend to do this a lot too) I loose myself in it all.  The pleasing everyone doesn’t work. Everyone wants different things out of you and honestly you can’t please everyone. I want to share this site with everyone I love so they know how I feel but that would be selfish I think. That wouldn’t be safe. Even though I want them to know what I’m thinking, about my lists, I want them and everyone to know how I feel. I am scared. I want them to know about the problems I have and feel safe about to talk about aren’t all that’s there , that honestly they are so much worst then how I have described. Some people I have trusted have turned on me saying that my problems aren’t real. I will not say this to be rude or selfish or in any way hostile. Everyone’s problems are real. The way you feel about them is different then the way someone else feel about them. Some people do take it out of proportion sometimes and want recondition for it. But if you have a problem then as someone I love once said to me “your pain is valid, I don’t care what it is, everyone’s pain is valid”. That is why I do not put my real name on here. That is why I don’t show this website that is like my own personal diary on the internet to the ones I love. I don’t want them to see my pain because they have pain of their own. I don’t want them to worry. I have tried to say who I am, to be who I am. I am trapped in between who I want to be and who others want me to be. Which leaves me with this. Do I turn on one persons back to be what someone else wants me to be? Where do I find myself and keep me here? Do I want to be good or bad? Can’t I just be in the middle somewhere for all these questions? What do I do? Sometimes it feels like I’ll honestly never figure it out.

I don’t know. I can’t even figure out my tags for this post there are so many, I’m sorry.

PG

Untitled till further notice

I feel like I say sorry for my absence, sorry I’ve been missing, hey again I know it’s been a while. I know that must get annoying. No consistency is hard. Not like I have any readers who notice. I am not missing. I am on a vacation in my own little world in the clouds that I have created to make sure that I have a bubble to escape to whenever I am feeling down. When I am on Earth I feel like my head is stuck in a fish bowl, as if I am under water and everything is going in slow motion. You know when you jump off the diving board and as you hit the water everything begins to move slower like time has stopped and somehow you are still going. Where you can feel your own heart beat and everything seems serine for that one minute that you can hold your breath. But then sooner or later, no matter how much you try to fight it you have to go up for air and then everything is sped up again as you breathe in. I was always the kid who tried to hold her breath the longest. I’m pretty sure my longest time was like two minutes or something. I wanted to live underwater where everything moved slowly. I would float in the ocean for hours staring out into the water, not caring about the people on the shore. I still do sometimes when I am at the beach. I’m pretty sure my friends think I’m crazy for being out there that long just staring. I’ve always been considered odd. Heck people call me all sorts of things. Strange, crazy, wild, etc. What they don’t know is how scared I am all the time. How I feel my life is boring and I really never even leave my room. Sure I go out and hang out with my friends and we have had some wild times. That’s what people remember about you is the things they heard about you doing the “wild things”. That one time you went crowd surfing at a concert or when you jumped off a bridge thirty feet in the air. They never remember that you stayed in your room all weekend watching 90’s movies and eating yogurt with pieces of fruit in it. When the rumors go crazy about the “wild child” or “free spirit” I am, I hide in the girls handicap bathroom stall. I sit on the floor and write. The kind of writing you don’t want to read because of the ideas in it that if they got out people would think you were crazy and wanted to kill yourself (but you do). All they see is the free spirit they but don’t understand the vocabulary I hold or how the random fact I have hidden that will never help me but I still enjoy them. They don’t get to see my knowledge on Greek mythology. All they hear is my jokes that the intelligence in them sometimes surprises people but I know the truth, I see when the joke goes right over their head because they couldn’t comprehend what I am saying so I just laugh as they see me as the air head with no future unless it was to take my pretty pretty pictures that they do not see the message in. Some of my friends know me and how I am and how I don’t try in school but still pass and the way I can persuade people to do what I want when I am not afraid but they still know my fears and try to help me with them. Sometimes I don’t see how lucky I am to have them but I hope they know how much I appreciate them. I feel everyone should have friends like mine who take me out of my bubble, who make me come up for air, who see my dreams and even though don’t always understand my point of view ask me instead of criticizing me because they know I’m not dumb but different. My free spirit will take me somewhere, they know that. No one sees my writing but the hand full of people on here who read my struggles and dreams. Better get off my rant and end this. I will be late, I will always be late, but I need something to write about meaning that I must go out on my wild free spirit ways for people to go crazy taking about me so then I can tell the stories to you and then feel full once again. It’s a cycle.

Love ya. Wish me luck.

P.G.