When I’m sad I go to you,
thank you for answering my calls,
for listening to me cry,
for comforting me.
I’m sorry I bothered you if you were with friends,
I didn’t mean to interrupt,
you are just the one that I wish was here with me.
I wish you were around all the time,
just to talk,
listen to music,
and watch movies together.
I know it seems cheesy but with you,
my best friend,
everything is better.
I love you.
To tell you I’m tired feels like an understatement. To say that my head has been pounding for three straight days, you may not believe me. Honestly saying anything about what I am feeling or going through people would see as me exaggerating the truth. Never knowing what to say anymore seems like a real problem. Like I’m lying to them but no longer lying to myself. When they ask what’s wrong I just want to cry and tell them everything that is happening and how I am being destroyed from the inside out. But I don’t know the full story myself. All I really know is that my body is finally giving up on me and I am trying to contain it but I can’t. I am being destroyed in front of your eyes but you can’t see it. But what’s wrong with me is not fully fixable just manageable.
Can I tell you that I’m miserable? That I’m terrified, of everything? I honestly wish everyone knew how scared I am on a daily basis. How it’s not them that is doing it, just their presence. I feel so bad that I can’t go out with my friends because of my anxiety. Yes, it’s that bad. Sometimes I feel like my room is my safe place because it’s where I can hide from them, but then I realize my fear is trapping me in my room like a jail cell with no key. I wish my friends knew that when I cancel on them or say I can’t go when I can that it is not because I don’t love them and want to spend time with them but the fact that I can’t eat in front of them, I can’t be seen in what I’m wearing, I can’t handle what even they might think of me. I wish they knew how hard it is to be as uncomfortable as I am all the time and why. I wish I really knew why. How my fear traps me from going out, from driving, from talking to anyone. You can’t just come out and say you have anxiety or how bad it is because if you can say it out loud the person you are talking to doesn’t believe you. They don’t see how hard it was for you to say it. “Don’t worry were all friends, you’ll be fine” , they say to me as I sigh and try to power through. School is hell. Walking in, group projects, presentations, open discussion, etc. Never afraid to crack a joke but I can’t state my opinion because that is something someone could see me differently for. I am out and confident in front of so many but inside my guts feel as if they are being stabbed into. Trying not to show my fear at work or school. What do I do? How do I stop it? Even to scared to really talk about it to a therapist. Never really seeing how bad it’s been getting as I become more independent. Parents not knowing, just telling me to suck it up. I need to figure this out before she leaves. Before I leave.
If I was beautiful.
If I had a naturally kind heart,
a quiet soul,
a perfect body,
and an alluring mind.
If I wanted the same things as you did.
I would be perfect… Right?
If I wasn’t so stubborn,
didn’t have this need to be free?
Why am I not good enough for you?
Why do I care that I’m not like you could fix everything that is wrong with me?
Why are you stuck in my head like if I had you I wouldn’t think of anything else?
I’m sorry for bothering you,
for checking to see if you’re okay,
for trying to look out for you.
I’ll just go now like you want me to,
until you realize I’m leaving,
and pull me back in.
It’s a never ending spiral,
a web I’m caught in,
until you finally kill me,
once and for all.
Hold me tightly, don’t let me slip away. Hold me close to your heart where I am not lost but safe with you, but that can never happen because I am a phoenix with a need to be free. Not meaning to I give you heart burn, sear your skin as you try to hold me close. No one is fire retardant so I am alone in my flame. Blazing so brightly I burn your eyes when you try to look into mine, as you try to save me from myself. As I burn up in the flames of my own making. Growing with air but loosing breath. I become a wild fire, untameable, burning everything insight by accident. You give up on me. Fighting the fire in my heart I burn up becoming a pile of ash, you are still not there. The embers can reignite but where will that lead me, lost in my flames forever.
Close your eyes, cry out , scream at the top of your lungs that the world isn’t fair. Now open your eyes, guess what, the world still isn’t fair. You’re still young, nervous, naïve; you don’t know what the world has planned for you yet. Screaming that the world isn’t fair isn’t going to do anything. Face your fears, go out and change what you don’t like about the world. I think this is a lesson we all need to learn. It is okay to complain or be scared or not like something, it is not okay to not try change it.
Sometimes I want to get married. That may not be surprising to you but believe me those who know me would be incredibly surprised to hear that. I want that commitment to one person and always have them by my side supporting me in everything I do because wouldn’t that be nice to have. But I don’t know yet.
Sometimes I want to have kids. Even if I wasn’t married I would want to have them because they would get just as much love from me as from two parents. I don’t really care if my kids are “from me” I would be willing to adopt or foster as many as they’d let me have. I just want to be able to raise someone who will be part of the future and making them into the person they will be just like my parents did for me. But I don’t know yet.
Sometimes I want to become a doctor just to say that I am one. It would have to be in something I love and I would be able to help others around me in any case because I was in fact a doctor. I want to become a professor and come back to teach after my great travels around the world. Teaching for Yale or Colombia to show kids what I did and teach them what I learned. But I don’t know yet.
Sometimes I want to be an artist. But isn’t everyone an artist in their own way? I want to be all of the artists or at least study them all or see them all in action. I want to share my ideas with others in every way I can that one day you will see my work and just stop to look at it for even a second maybe take a picture of it because you like it so much. But I don’t know yet.
Sometimes I want to believe in God. To have someone to lean on. Someone to help me in my time of need that I can go to when I am in a panic and don’t know what to do. Someone who has the power to fix it. But does he. Is there a God that will see what is happening to me vs everyone else around me? Sometimes even the belief of God seems like it will help but will it? I’m not saying everyone shouldn’t but I have been let down before and this time I don’t think I could handle being let down again. So I don’t know yet.