I have many story times of the amount of fear that goes through my mind everyday. As you know I am afraid of almost everything. This is because of my anxiety (at least that’s what I blame). It’s like I have this people phobia. Suprisingly one of the places I am able to hide this fear and be seen as confident is high school. I know go figure where most people fear the most I can hold my head up high…. most of the time. This does not include when I first walk in the front doors that seem to get bigger every time I walk through them. Where I walk through them quickly blaring my music and make a b line to the bathroom but after I sit in the handicap bathroom and hyper ventilate about what will happen when I walk down that first hallway. When this panic rushes over me it’s like the feeling of being heald in a tight space, like there’s no air to breath. Everything is in slow motion like when you dive under water you just walk seeing everyone who is passing you and feeling as if you can read their minds feeling all of their hateful comments come at you each stabbing you more and more until teardrops start to rush down your face and you’re shaking like an earthquake but you just keep walking as if nothing is wrong. I have nothing to control this feeling, no happiness forcefeild that others seem to have where nothing bothers them. Maybe they have the same fears as I do and they are just a better actor then I am. But I will never know because I can’t read their minds I am just filling my head with made up words that I feel about myself when I see there eyes looking through me as if I was a skeleton or only paper thin and there looks are a gust of wind about to push me over.
I have no other words
let’s make this a part 1 of a post .
Have a good day
Basically as most girls know it is impossible to be perfect. Looking in the mirror everyday there is always something wrong. In your head all you can thing of is things that you’d change about yourself. Body image is a big deal not only in the twenty first century but in every century know to man or in a lot of cases wo-man. Don’t get me wrong guys have a lack of self confidence as much as girls do but something about it is different. It’s not harder for either but I (as I have stated in many blog posts) am not a boy. Everyday I wake up with anxiety which is not uncommon because I am full of it 24/7. Luckily for me I don’t feel the need to wear make up because not only do I have no idea how to do it but I just do not care for the feeling of not showing my face. I am not putting down anyone who wears makeup believe me if I had any skill with it I would. I digress. Looking in the mirror is a constant struggle. From what I should wear to impress people , to the acne that covers my face, my hair that will always look like a lion that just went through a tornado, and my least favorite my weight. Now I am a big girl. I am not over weight but I feel like I am every time I see myself in motors, pictures, etc. I am actually a healthy weight for my large frame. But I have a strange body frame . My semi- large 5’10” height, broad shoulders, long torso, medium legs, semi-hour glass figure, slight stomach, and no boobs or butt. Looking at me in my XL dad shirts you cannot tell that I would be the slightest bit over weight (that’s more of a self confidence issue with the shirts cause I don’t like people looking at my butt or lack there of). People look at me like I am crazy when they find out that I am 160 ( more like 168 but it’s 160 on a good day). I do eat healthy and work out but I can’t fix it . This has created problems for me. At one point I stopped eating. Everyday telling myself that skinny girls don’t eat so much which then turned into barley eating at all and at one point even throwing up my food. But I got past that. That image problem yeah I still have it and I work on it everyday but trying not to care. When I give into my fears and anxiety of what the people around my could be saying I just put in my head phones and try to drown out their hateful words because they are my hateful words towards myself. Perfect girls aren’t real. You may think I am lying but everyone has something they hate about them selfs and those girls on the internet have just as many worries as you do.
Just some thoughts
i love love. Which is hard to say because in my real life as in not the one in this blog I am a boy. Not really but I am treated like one. I am not allowed to love love or even really think about it at all. I am strong, though, most of all I have no faith in this world. Something about it though. That feeling that I have never really had but I want it. The books I read make it seem like something you can’t live with out or at least don’t want to. I want it, even for just one day. I am searching yet unable to find what everyone else seems to fall into. I could make up a million stories about love hat would make your head spin. Love stories are not really real though they are just stories. Just a small part of a giant story no one will finish. I will forever love love but I will not tell anyone. Don’t tell anyone. It will be our little secret.
I have been missing I know. I don’t really have a laptop at the moment so I am writing down little thoughts on paper instead of here. Do not worry though I will be back in no time.
Fear is a hard topic. Probably because it scares us. Ha see what I did there scares, fear, I’m funny. Anyways away from my pointless jokes to as some would see it as breaking the ice. This is my list.
Things I am afraid of …..
- Boats (fear of drowning)
- Bad Grades
- Being seen as dumb
- Being bad at something
- Commitment in general
- Letting my parents down
- Not graduating
- Never Going to college
- Not achieving any of my goals
- Someone finding out what goes on in my head
- Being in love
- Being Gay
- Being left behind
- Being forgotten
- Losing myself in the person I am trying to make other people see
- Someone hating me for my beliefs
- Waking up every morning for the rest of my life feeling alone
- Feeling life isn’t worth it anymore
- My anxiety controlling me
- Someone finding this and using it against me for the rest of my life
- Having someone I love hate me for something I can’t control
These are only some of my fears and writing them down feels like this weight lifted off my shoulders. A lot of these things might happen to me and it’s okay. I will be strong enough to survive. Being able to show the world without fear is even better. You should try it. Even if it’s just writing a little list down. You don’t have to show anyone.
Lately my pointless little articles are difficult to write. I am just going to have to say it. I have writers block. As I am not a real writer with my pointless little stories I post here are not really articles that are going to be put in some huge magazine or newspaper like I have some deadline for my dear fans to read. I do not really have any readers so I don’t really have anything to rush with who’s going to care if I don’t post once a day or even once a week. Back to my rut. I have so many ideas on what I could say to you all. It is not coming out correctly. Maybe I could start posting poems, short stories, even tiny blurbs of just quotes, random lists, etc etc etc. Might even just start putting things from my private journal. I know what you’re thinking, you thought this was my private journal as I have limited readers but really think about it. Some of the most famous writers have somewhere to put their ideas that no one will ever see. I am not famous, not yet. If I do become famous then this is how it could happen for me. Could you see it now “Everyone’s New Favorite Blog, What Do I Do 562″. Maybe one day. You read it here first remember that.
Hey there been a while huh. It’s finals time here in college and I want death. What makes it even better is that I’m also in high school at the same time so it hits me double. How do I do this may you wonder and the answer is I have no possible way to explain it. My mid life crisis of the week that consumes my entire being of self is as the following states. How the hell am I supposed to be myself yet the entire world then pushes me back down in the process. Think about it. You are told from the time you are old enough to remember that you should always be yourself and no one will judge you because you are perfect the way you are. At the same time people are judging you on how you look, act, and every other possible way they really can think of what is wrong with you. So what do you do, you become this whole new person so you hope to be accepted in some way and don’t lie to me because everyone does in some way shape or form. It’s just natural. Everyone you know is going to judge you. Your parents may say “oh honey everyone will love you just the way you are” but at the same time they are telling you “don’t wear that you look like a bum” and “sit up straight, you’re a lady, you were not raised in a barn”. Like JESUS CHRIST MAKE UP YOUR MIND. I can’t be original and then put into this box. Hey I’m just as fake as the next person because I may be comfortable in a tank top and baggy jeans with a rip in them but I only wear that sometimes. Sometimes I have to wear a dress or really short shorts and a giant t-shirt cause that’s just what girls my age do. Am I entirely comfortable with this, no, but I will precede to do it, most defiantly. You know what happens if I don’t. If I don’t “dress like a girl” or “hang out with girls” then I am alone. The girls don’t see me as one of them or I am just some loner bitch. The guys see me as some dyke or basically a boy. This means I can’t get a boyfriend because they all see me as a guy and they don’t want to get picked on for being gay. OH JOY. There’s that problem again… GAY.. Scary word huh. I hate it. I am not gay we have been over this. I honestly don’t know what I am but this problem of me not being able to get a boyfriend because I am half trying to be myself and the other half trying to fit into in my mind called the “please don’t act like I’m a boy” group. I’m tired of it. I can’t be in the group cause I don’t have a dick. Oh yeah I said it. DICK. PENIS. Deal with it. At the same time I am a boy and oh no I can’t be sure you’re a girl jokes never get old. My whole life people have mistaken me for a boy. Which always kind of bothered me but I brushed it off. You know I understood it and kind of liked it some times. I hung out with mostly boys as I still do, I play sports, skateboard, do things that are predominantly male. BUT I AM A FEMALE. Now it’s kind of getting to me cause hey if I was GAY then a lot of my guy friends wouldn’t talk to me. If I was trans we wouldn’t be friends either. LIKE WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK MAN. You don’t like me cause I’m a dude and if any other guy did then they’d be gay but god forbid I like girls. WOULDN’T THAT MAKE ME STRAIGHT. WHERE IS THE LOGIC. Even worst is I can’t hang out with many girls who are to into girly things because I like guy things. They see me as either a guy or a slut for always hanging around guys. It’s all based off biology which obviously has screwed me over. These labels life have given me have screwed me up. Honestly. Who am I supposed to be. Just tell me. I can’t be myself because honestly it is not working. So why do they tell you this growing up. I know after a while you stop caring what people think of you. But that’s when your whole life is put together and you don’t need people approval. Believe me I don’t. Most of the time. But I can’t make this perfect stereotype life if I don’t make it past 17. Please tell why this is how the world works. Why people were made hateful and scared. Why people are sexist, racist, homophobic,etc. Why it’s bad for me a little white girl to support black lives matter or call myself a feminist or believe that everyone should have equal rights. Because I used to believe that I could save the world but at this point sometimes I think that these people are beyond saving. I might not be the one able to help them. They need some one stronger, smarter, more determined. Yet the determined ones are trying to change the world in a bad way for money or power. Not to help others and make it a place you would want to live where everyone is happy. Take a minute to think about that. What side you want to be on. I know my side and I know the sides of the people I care about. Even though we don’t agree and I believe they seem to be on the wrong side, I still love them. Fully.
That’s all my anarchists..
Enjoy my errors..