My eyes hurt

What will make it stop. I keep asking myself over and over as my face gets warmer and warmer. My eyes becoming rivers overflowing with water eroding my face as each drop goes over the Niagara falls that is my face. I try to run as fast as I can to make it stop like the tears will dry as the cold wind slashes me over and over until I become numb. Trying to make my eyes stop because they control the tears right? Not my head, not my heart, but my eyes. I have to get them to stop before someone sees before I walk through that door of my house, school, job will see that I can not handle what’s going on in my head. That even in all the time I have had in therapy learning to control how to deal with the people around me, the stress I encounter, the fear I have when I walk into a room; but still not how to make my mind stop spinning round and round with these little ideas popping in and out as if I was falling down the rabbit hole just waiting to hit the ground in wonderland but the ground will never come. I am trapped in my own mind, I have created my own prison. If I can’t control my mind who is? Am I someone else who is just a character my mind (or whoever is controlling it’s mind) has created and everyday a figment of ones imagination. Maybe I am just stuck in someone elses bad dream or I am a book character that my book is stuck in the middle of bad but the pages just won’t turn. If this is true I would like whoever is reading this book right now to turn the page, end the chapter, close the freaking book because I’m suffering. I want to stop my mind from spinning, I don’t want to be alone in this spiral. I am sorry that I can’t handle this, but I handle better than most I scream at the others in my mind. “I am trying my hardest with what I’ve got” I tell myself over and over as I cry night after night. What can I do to make it stop.

 

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Emotionless

I sit here with no emotion what so ever as the people around me smile and laugh. They look at me when they notice I am not doing the same, I fake it. They feel relieved that I am okay because now I am smiling. I’ve gotten really good at faking it. Now I can smile like everyday is a miracle and that my life is the best beach day in the world. They don’t see the pain in my eyes when I smile. How I have the ends of my mouth attached to fish hooks so I can pull them like puppet strings to show happiness. “You only smile when you’re uncomfortable or up to something”, they say because they know me so well. What they don’t know is what I’m up to is trying to make them happy and not see that I am in no way an issue they should worry about. As I sit in my room alone more and more because going out is getting more and more tiring. Going to work I feel this need to run every time I see someone new walk in the door. Every noise making my skin crawl. Trying to stop the tears from streaming down my face when I talk to anyone. Leaving whenever I can because I can’t handle what is going on around me. Everyone’s mind is like a factory but mine is slowly shutting down and turning grey. Like my workers have gone on strike because even they want a better life. Everything is falling apart with only tape to put it back together. Bring me some glue please.

World War Me

At night everything changes. When the sun goes down it’s like our true selves come out or at least the sad version of all our feelings. In dark or light no one can see into my body or mind. They can’t see how heavy my heart is or that constant stabbing my stomach feels as I breath, move, or think. No one can hear my screams. In the darkness my tears poor out into the silence of my pillow and they just keep flowing like Niagara Falls until right before the sun comes up where I turn off the tears for the day and put on my happy face. I can’t give anyone my baggage because I know they have their own to deal with. How do I know this? because I help carry it. I am like a bellhop who has all of my own baggage to carry that no one see, but still helps bring everyone else’s to their room (no tip). Carrying their bags for as far as I am able helps me forget the weight of my own, detracting me for a second. But then I remember them. My tears feel like glass against my face, my stomach always tied in knots. There’s something about the pain. No one else sees it or feels it, I won’t let them. People don’t realize that words hurt most of all as I try to laugh off their insults as they stab into my scarred skin, cutting deeper and deeper. Not knowing that they are tearing me apart, not knowing that I am already tearing myself apart piece by piece. My pain is mine to keep. In this battle field of me against myself and the world, I will not let others get trapped in my fight. I try to not let them see the tears anymore. The last time I let someone see my wounds they did not join my battle but just add to it, ridiculing me. People around me see the tears less and less thinking that I am getting better as I cover my emotional scars because I’m not getting better, I’m getting worst I just won’t let them see. Every muscle in my body in pain but no one sees how hard I work to do anything. No one will let me be happy when all I am trying to do is make them happy. Life is a battle field and I’m fighting alone.

Taking out the trash

I am a garbage person. Hear me out. I am a garbage person to most people to their faces. Why is this? Because I don’t lie about certain things and if people know what I will say to their face they think I talk trash behind their backs. This is not the case. I am a garbage person because I am not afraid to make jokes about the bad but I am afraid to tell them the good things about themselves. Behind your back I talk about how amazing you are in my eyes, about how funny, smart, etc you are. The thing is I have secrets. Keeping these secrets and not telling my close friends makes me a garbage person. I am a garbage person because I will stand up to someone and tell them how I feel about something in a minute because I feel entitled to my opinion. I am a garbage person because I like to remind people about how their lives will get better and be brighter in the future but I do it anonymously because if I didn’t people would think I’m being sarcastic. I am a garbage person because I am nicer to you online then in person because I don’t know what to say because I have problems deeper than you know. I have things I won’t tell you because I would rather keep them burrowing into my soul then to ever feel like I am a burden. I push others who want to be close to me away because so many in the past I have told a small portion of my problems to them and they leave just like I knew you would. I am a garbage person because you don’t understand me. I know I left your life making you hate me and you saying I am a garbage person, I want you to know I still care about you. I know I am a garbage person but sometimes I feel like I’m not. So here is your letter. You will never read or see, that no one we know may ever see. I’m sorry.

P.G.

To my loved ones

To my sister who I am not related to, I love you more than anything in the entire world. The person who I am most attached to and when you go off to college I will be broken inside for those first few days, weeks, months, but I will soon get over because I know it is the best place for you. Our lives have always been together. The girl whose mom calls me her sister as I leave their house in the morning for the sixth day in a row to go to back to my own. That her mother is surprised when she comes home without me. My parents know you are missing and ask if we have had a falling out just because they didn’t see you more than once in one day. I hope we are never split up for too long because I will be driving that four hour long car ride every weekend to come see you because I know how hard it will be to be without you. Knowing we won’t be together for all time but still sad to realize that it is happening so quickly. We are connected by memories. I love you.

To the boy I think I love, I will not wait for you. I know you think I am standing around waiting for you to be done with her and maybe at one point I was but not anymore. Sometimes people don’t end up together and I am glad we are friends. You are more important than you know to me. You will go farther than you think but I believe in you and know you will do great things.

To my parents, I know I’m not what you expected. I know you are scared I will be as wild as you both were growing up and are trying to tie me down so I won’t be. I must make mistakes to live on my own and do what I love. I have done so much more than you know but I have still not lived. My biggest dream is to be like both of you. That may scare you but I plan on living every moment to the fullest.

To my family, I am not like you. I am not as smart, dedicated, outgoing, beautiful, perfect as any of you. I have still looked up to each and everyone one of you knowing I would never be the same but hoping one day you would all be proud of me even though I may not believe in what you believe or support different things we are still blood.

To the family I created for myself, you are all so important to me. Obviously because you are family. Without you I wouldn’t be myself. I have made so many memories with all of you and I don’t think you know how grateful I am.

To all of my friends, I think you under estimate yourselves because I see you doing great things and changing the world.

To my teachers who changed my life, you are a support system who changed my life and I also see you like family but I had to say this separately so you knew.

To the people I hate, who made me hate myself, I don’t love you and I hated you once but no more. Someone said to me once that “hate is an extreme love” and that “you don’t hate someone you never once cared for”.  I have stopped hating you because I no longer care for you in anyway. That gives you power. Toward you there is nothing but blank emotion if any emotion at all.

Finally to myself, don’t give up or ever let anyone get you down because you are better than that. Do what you want and what you love. If you don’t make mistakes then how will you ever learn.

When I die I want all of these people to come together. You each know a different part of me and maybe one day I hope you will all get together and put those parts together piece by piece what you learn may surprise you.

I am not going to kill myself because I have so mush more of a life left to live.

But this needed to be said.

P.G.

I have a list that I haven’t released. As most of you know I make lists of everything in my life because for some odd reason I have to. My list I haven’t released is probably to some the scariest to even think that it goes through my head. This list is called the ways I would kill myself list. It’s saved in my computer (yes I’ve even written it down), I have gone and looked at it almost everyday. Don’t be alarmed I will most likely never do it. I am too rational to be reckless. I had to write my list down so it would finally leave my head and I look at it to remind me the place I was in, or haven’t yet gotten out of. It is in all ways a good reminder that I am here for a reason and when I look at the list I remember that. Why am I saying this on the internet? Well I felt I was lying to you all about things that happen. I feel the media doesn’t portray certain views well and people should know that there are people that are going through the same things, maybe even worst that they did research and wrote a list. But I can tell you that it has shown me a light at the end of the tunnel of it all. I realize that even though I am not happy that I don’t need to make others miserable too, they deserve to be happier. Maybe one day I will post my list but for now I am still writing it. But to make you feel better I am also making a list of things that can be short term tips to being happy. I may post that one day too.

Thank you for reading this and I hope your day was good.

P.G.

Filled with lies

Real friends don’t lie. Probably one of the things I have seen and heard a million times. I’ve gotten in so much trouble for that statement. “Real friends don’t lie to each other”, hearing it over and over again as I proceed to lie to everyone I love about various different things. But that is bullshit (mind my language), real friends lie. Everyone lies. That is just a normal thing to do. Not only about big things but also about stupid little things too. You lie to your parents so they don’t worry about you and you can still feel free. You lie to your friends to save their feelings for something you know they wouldn’t be able to handle. You lie to yourself to keep this idea of yourself that you are doing the right thing everyday to save face. There are billions of lies floating around in the air. Media tries to keep the fact that people are dying everyday by trying to distract you with the latest celebrity and their newest secret pregnancy or accidental leek of a sex tape. But we can’t get rid of these lies because where they are seen as wrong they also help. I am filled with lies but each one does not weigh me down. It may hold me back in some ways but when push comes to shove I would rather lie than hurt someone I love over something I could move past with no problems.

Maybe I’m a bad person, but don’t say you don’t lie.

P.G.