I live in my head. There’s no place like home right? Lately it’s turning into a two way glass box. Only some people know about the glass so they can see in but others have no idea. All I can see is them but they can never see or understand me through the glass. The people who can see in leave, the ones who can’t don’t ever see a problem. Have you ever heard that you just have to find the problem and then everything will be okay. I am the problem. Maybe I should get rid of myself. All the people who can see past the glass seem to think that helps them. I am becoming self destructive. Like a ticking time bomb but no one can see the time left till it explodes. I can’t hear the voice that is my conscious but just a tick tick tick of the bomb loosing time. I am loosing myself into the abyss. My petals wilting in the cold dark sadness that is my mind. I never want to hurt my friends, the people I love, so I sit off into the night in a cold dark hole where no one will find me so when I explode no one gets hurt. I miss them. I miss me. Maybe I will become a phoenix rising from my own ashes.
Family. I have talked about my family before but not in great detail and not about my mom’s side of the family. They are the most frustrating people you will honestly ever meet in your life. They are the people who blame the future generation on everything and talk about in their day how it was the greatest time in the world. They were humble, SIKE. I do not like most of my family as you can tell, but I am stuck with them I guess. My mom always says that “they are the people that will always have your back when you need it”. Will they? My “friends” I know wouldn’t (mean to say but most likely true) but there are some who would always be there for me and help me if I need it. Family is here because we are linked by blood. I am a piece of all of them moving down the line and I am the one who takes the slack always. My cousins you could say kind of dropped the ball in their eyes, I am the last hope as the baby. I can not fuck up I must be what they want me to be. My grandfather is sexist in my eyes. I have to save his precious family yet I am a girl so he does not see me completing it. I should do something girls do. “I never judge someone for anything they do” his most famous quote as he talks about all the things everyone in the country is doing wrong and judging them to the full extent. I have two aunts, they are crazy, high strung, etc. My moms youngest sister is my idol sometimes others not so much. It scares me because many don’t like her, including her son (my favorite cousin/ friend), I see myself in her. I am the most like her and I that kind of excites me. My other aunt (also crazy) can get anyone do anything she wants. My mother while a psychopath is the calmest some how. I can tell I am a root of their family because you can see me in all of them I think. That scares me because I don’t hold everything they do and I want to do more. I am in family ties yet I feel tied down.
This was poorly written, I’m sorry.
To anyone willing to listen, to hear me. I know I am not the brightest, funniest, nicest, prettiest, etc. I am trying I swear. Social cues that normal people understand I don’t get as fast. The whole talking to people is very difficult for me I tend to talk slower and quieter. I get annoyed easily, scared quickly, and paranoid often. I just struggle more than most know, more than anyone really knows. I honestly started this blog so I could talk about that I am scared to say to basically anyone. My friends and family don’t know about it, they don’t know how I feel about anything. I have had to learn how to deal with my struggles. That’s what this is. Who ever is willing to read is welcome. Not everything is on here somethings I think I’m just not comfortable with posting yet. Like everything else I do this is also unfinished. Cliff hanger ending like my life. Looking off the cliff but not going over it just looking, deep in thought, till you get vertigo and fall in.
How many hours do you think you spend on the internet a day. Honestly sometimes I feel like I could do a whole 10 hours if not more. But when I travel or do things with people I love I would say I am on the internet an hour or two and that’s to look up directions to find out where we are going on our crazy adventures or to text someone to find where they are. I honestly love that. I love spending hours doing art or walking around or I don’t know just doing something. I feel like technology, sitting on your phone or computer all day, has taken over our lives. I know this makes me a complete hypocrite because I am writing this on a computer as we speak. I want to do so much more if I wasn’t stuck in this tiny town. As I’ve probably said a million times I want to move to the city, make friends, make art, learn guitar, write books, sing, and so much more. I want to unplug myself from the internet. I will not unplug myself because this day and age it seems to be an impossible task. I can’t get rid of something that I am now attached to so easily. I’m not sure why this is on my mind today. Maybe if you want you could look up the song tiny glowing screens pt.2 by Watsky.
My life is under a fake name so no one will find out my struggle. How often I want to send out this blog to the people I love so they can see it but I won’t because they might see a side of me they have never seen, something they don’t like. The part of me that is deep, caring, intelligent. The part I don’t want to let out in fear. The goofy kid doesn’t always make it the farthest in life but they have the most “friends”. You know not the friends who truly care about them but the friends that laugh at them, not always with them, just at them. I am okay with being that kid most of the time. One of the things said about me that I hate is “of course *insert my name* likes the person that everyone else hates”. This is because I hate that they see this as an insult and not a compliment. Sorry I want to find the good in people who sometimes do things wrong I would hope if I slipped up people would do the same for me. I am not afraid of seeing the good in people I am afraid of not being able to see the bad. I trust many who have hurt others and myself and then began to be friends with them. I do not always see the toxic that others feel is there. I feel everyone has a good side. Also there is a very big difference between me liking someone and being civil towards them. I will talk to whoever wants to hold a conversation, I like to see them smile and laugh like anyone else. I love the words that anyone holds that could potentially make someone else happy. This does not mean they are my friend but an acquaintance. Are you friends with someone in a movie or a singer with your favorite song or even a news caster with views you don’t agree on? No but you still listen to what they have to say and have an option on it. I want the world to prove me wrong that even the worst people have a good side. That the murders did it because they were protecting their families, that the politicians are fighting for a cause they believe could help the world not just their bank accounts, that even the most toxic people volunteer on weekends helping others because they feel it’s good to help someone in need. I want a bright side. Sometimes it feels like I need a blanket for my heart to keep it warm because in a world going through global warming it people seem to be getting colder and colder everyday. I am more than just one thing. I am can be goofy, smart, caring, wild. I will make it somewhere. One day I will say my real name. Someday I will feel comfortable enough to come out of the dark hole I hide in, but if you decide to come in and look in that black abyss, don’t be scared follow the faint speck of light that is my heart and you will find me. The problem with my abyss is it is always open just no one looks inside or once they do they don’t like what they see and leave. My abyss is open to walk in and out of my life. I can’t close it even though I wish I could lock in it a million boxes with codes so no one could get in, so no one could hurt me again. I guess enter as you please, all are welcome, please wipe your feet and try not to walk all over me. I will try my best to be everything you want.
Thank you for reading my fears
Hello hello, PG here with another rant for you. I have been really busy with finals as I feel most of us have lately if you are in college it can be stressful to keep up with life, friends, everyday social life when you need to cram all the things you learned into your mind so you can take a test of all of it in less than two hours. Honestly it’s stressful for anyone to do that even when you are going to have to take your finals in any grade. The whole system is ridiculous thinking that children should have to remember all of these things for one day and then it be up to half your grade and then reflect on your teacher who is honestly trying to teach a bunch of kids who only 3 of them are really interested in what she is saying. NONE OF IT MAKES SENSE. We are all just doing our best and then you are going to use standardized testing to decide our fate. I digress. Tell me why this time of year when we are all stressed out all ready that every piece of drama has to rise from the dead and add even more stress. Especially when I am trying to sit in my math class while I’m trying to take notes and at the same time three different people are texting me about their life problems and then don’t listen to my advise. I am trying to pay attention in class a week before finals getting flooded with last minute work by my teachers and help you. I know we are friends and I love you more than anyone in the entire world but I can’t come to you when I’m depressed because it’s like my problems aren’t real yet yours are. Why am I even putting up with you, you won’t even listen to me. Lately life just seems like I am everybody’s therapist, their rock, they come to me when they need something and honestly I love it sometimes but when people don’t listen to what I’m saying and then I can’t go to them for help. It really makes me so mad. It sucks for life to feel like you have a ton of friends and no one to talk to when you need help or you’re down. I really have to realize that life isn’t fair but I hate the feeling that I am alone. I’m starting to realize that I’m kinda on my own, that people are all just trying their best so I can’t be mad at anyone. Thank you for reading my rant or if you didn’t I understand why I just really needed to get it off my chest.
Hope it all gets better,
Nightmares. I’m pretty sure everyone has them once in a while. The ones where you wake up all of a sudden and your heart is racing. I have nightmares every night. I toss and turn. I wake up screaming, crying, covered in sweat, unable to breath. I don’t know why this happens and it’s honestly really scary. A lot of my nightmares I can’t remember. I don’t know what to do to stop them. At this point I dread going to bed. I don’t want to sleep because I don’t know what’s coming. I’ve heard it all. Did you eat right before you went to sleep? Have you been watching horror movies late at night? The answer is no. Honestly. I swear. At this point I go to sleep and then wake up every couple of hours from my nightmare and then go back to sleep. I don’t sleep well at all and then I’m exhausted the next day. Sorry to end short and write about something incredibly boring but I just need some answers I guess.