Being a wild flower

Yes I am a wild child. I am known to have fun and be a little bit rowdy, unruly, corybantic ( you know all the synonyms for wild).  I am at heart a free spirit. When I am called these things I tend to get mad, not because being a free spirit or wild is bad but the fact that the way people use it is like it’s a bad thing and they are insulting me.  I am okay with being different, I know I’m seen as different and I can’t change that (do I want to change that?). So yes I am a wild child as you say, but I prefer wild flower because I feel it is more fitting. Wild flowers are weeds that are sometimes unwanted by many but the people who see their true beauty love them and stop even on the side of the road to pick one or take a picture of them. The people like me who love those close ups of dandelions and blow them even though they are grown up still make a wish off them. The people who see the beauty in honey suckles and poppies which yes can be considered wild flowers too. Once every thing was wild. We didn’t just choose to make roses someone found them and made them popular and loved. I am just a wild flower who is still waiting to be loved by all. I just pop up everywhere and even though I see myself as a unwanted weed I am still beautiful and people love me. Plus I am different everywhere I go because there are millions of wild flowers and I my friend am all of them. The thing about wild flowers is they come in all forms and they are everywhere, all over the world there is a different form of wild flowers. That’s how I am going to be. Everywhere.

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Happy Monday I guess

The title says it all. Happy Monday I guess. I totally understand how much Mondays suck and why everyone hates them but just saying I still think Tuesday is by far the worst day of the week. Yeah the weekend ends on Monday, but you can get away with things on Monday because everyone is tired and sad the weekend is over. However on Tuesday the week is now beginning and not even close to ending. Then Wednesday is hump day! Weeks almost over, Thursday is the day before Friday. Hell Friday is Friday you know TYEDAY FRIDAY. HAPPY FRIDAY. YAY THE WEEKEND FRIDAY. Making Tuesday the worst day of the week. If it wasn’t Tuesday it would be Sunday but for those religious people out there I’ll keep it as Tuesday and not say that God’s day is the worst day of the week in fear of being struck down where I stand. That was just a little tid-bit of my knowledge because I’m at work and have nothing else to do. Hey if you haven’t maybe read my last post I put a lot of work and feeling (two things I don’t usually have) into it and I really like that. But that is all my loves. “Ugh I hate Mondays”- Garfield the cat. Have a good day!

Love

PG

more than you think

I used to be afraid of showing people who I really am. I think everyone is. Everyone has those friends that they feel knows the real them, that gets that you have those little corks and problems that normal really wouldn’t understand. I had them too. For some reason I was so comfortable with these people letting them in and not ever feeling like I was annoying them or making them feel uncomfortable taking about my problems or my little freak outs. They were just there for me. Over time my anxiety has gotten worst and better all at the same time. I was more comfortable taking about it to these select people and telling them how I felt and I was happy with them being really my best friends. Now I have lost them. I am not saying that there aren’t people who will just leave, well there are, but that’s beside the point. I really don’t remember the point of writing this now that I am actually. I just am recalling a memory. I saw a picture of that person who was my closest friend at one point. Like I could tell her almost anything. Then I realized that those corks that I told her about that I thought she understood, she hated them all, it felt like she hated me and I really still think she does. That close guy friend who means the world to me basically comes and goes as he pleases knowing I will always be there for him (story for another time believe me). My closest friends at one point in time I do not speak to in fear. Now I am alone freaking out inside at this very moment feeling as if I have absolutely no one to talk to and I don’t know what to do. You can’t see my panic though. I can explain it and you still will not 100% understand it. I think that is what people don’t understand sometimes is even if they have been through it and understand the pain they still do not feel it, at least not the way you do. So if anyone confides in you, you can really only sympathize with them because everyone feels things a different way. Over the years I have been filled with hate, hey even now you could say that I still am, but I also think that I have learned from this hate in all forms has changed me and that without it I would not have the love for people I have now. I want to love everyone and have them know that there is always someone there for them even if I feel there is no one there for me sometimes. If you feel you have no one to go to come to me I beg you because no one deserves that feeling of being alone with no one because they are afraid of being judged. Fear is something I hate, something I am filled to the brim with, but even though I am filled with it I never want someone else to be. I want everyone to feel loved because I know (not the exact feeling but something like it) that it royally sucks to feel alone or that everyone hates you or is judging you. I know what it feels like to want to ask someone something and feel you have no one to ask, that you did but you lost them somehow and still want to ask them but feel that you can’t. Just remind yourself a brighter day is coming. There could be a million rainy days and one or two sunny ones but believe me you will remember all the sunny ones over the rainy ones (if that makes sense).

Love

P.G.

sorry I’m late.

Hello world.

I know I have been absent for quite a while. Basically life really hasn’t been going my way (surprise, surprise). I have been so swamped with school work I don’t even know what to do with myself. It is that time though. Senior-itis is starting to kick in. But I will not let it get me behind. I can do this I know it. Where I have lost a lot of friends this year I am not worried. I have learned the benefits of the friends I still have and I love them more than ever. The whole wanting to die and anxiety taking over my whole body is still there believe me. I did not want to post any of my recent writings because that is what they are all about and I don’t want to get anyone down on what is wrong with me. I am way to busy to worry about what will happen in the future. My new photography teacher has taught me to live in the now (I am not very good at it). Still no dating. A little bit of a social life recently ( I know surprising). For all the zero people who read this…. I will tell you not to drink or do drugs. But at the same time experiencing new things isn’t all bad. Just make sure you are 100% ready and know you want to do something before being pressured into it. My brain is bursting with new topics to write about and art projects to pursue. Wait a month and I’ll prob be back to my gloomy self but right now even though I am sick I think I can handle this world for a little bit.

I don’t know,,, any incite??

Love

P.G.

Why being yourself isn’t an option

Be yourself, be yourself, be yourself. From the time you are born you are told to be yourself fully and everyone will love you. Right? No. People don’t want yourself they want you to be what they think is right. No you can’t wear that, or do this, or hang out with that person cause then you’re wrong. You don’t fit their image. But the real question is do you let these people shape you? DO you listen to what they think is right? Do you let them tear you down? If these people are your friends than they will be there for you. They are projecting on how their life sucks. Honestly if you are happy with yourself don’t even worry about those people because why should they get to be in your life? You should try to be yourself always. Obviously don’t be a awful person and think it’s okay to be mean to someone cause then that doesn’t make you any better. I honestly don’t know what to do because that’s my whole life. I haven’t figured it out yet. I have always thought that everyone is equal. I always believed that I could be myself and no one would tear me down for that. I was wrong. I have been in a war, a shit storm that has not stopped and I just want everything to stop in time. Like I could choose the good things and get rid of the bad. Everyone sees things in their own perspective so maybe you think their life is amazing but they struggle with things too. Your life is not as bad as you think there will always be something worst. I am not alone. I may think I am but I have at least one person who is there for me always. I believe that even writing this I am not alone because I have myself. I may not like myself but I will learn to in time. Don’t let people get you down.

I will live another day,

PG

Gone

Sorry for my absence. Life has kinda picked me up and drop kicked me across time. The summer when I was away was the happiest and the least anxious I have ever been in years and I loved every minute of it. Don’t you love when you’re a comfortable place in your life and then it just all seems to turn around. Like you were happy and the world just went SIKE nope. Basically I’ll give you the rundown. School started…. yay high schools, people I don’t like, work I don’t want to do, and stress I can’t handle. Well anyway it started and that weekend there was a big party to kick off school starting (here’s where it gets bad). I’ll just skip what happened and just go with the girl I hate with a burning passion told the entire school and my reputation was tainted. So for the past month I have been spending my time either at home doing my college work (yes I’m in college too) or hiding from people who make fun of me in the handicap stall in the girls bathroom (sitting on the floor doing work). My teachers also know what happen and how awful high school can be so they let me. The next Monday was the day my best friend for the last ten years left for the navy (basically leaving me here to deal with everything alone). Not even two days later my dog dies (my other best friend for the past ten years). The next day my computer gets a virus ( I hadn’t even had it for a week ) making me unable to turn in my first photography class assignment, making it late. So the shit storm basically took off. I believe my shit storm has been worst than Irma, destroying all my friendships and life but at least it’s just affecting me and not all of Florida. I haven’t posted on my blog, not because I haven’t been able to write but I haven’t been able to post anything I have written. Since all of this has happened to me lately all of my self confidence and the last little bit of my will to live is honestly fading more and more lately. I’m sorry for not writing to you guys lately I will try to write more even though not many read what I put but it still helps me I guess.

Sorry, I missed this

P.G.

What am I going to do with my life?

Yes that’s right friends. I am a senior year of high school. I still have no idea what I am doing with my life. My passion is photography. My first ever college photography is tomorrow and I am shaking for how nervous I am. I honestly don’t know what building to go to or if I have all the stuff I need. Basically freaking out. In my high school carrer I have been ready to leave but now I don’t know what I want to do with my life. Like….

  • Where should I go for school?
  • Do I have the money for that (no) ?
  • What do I actually want to do with my life????? (important one)

I kind of want to go into musical studies. How do you become a producer??? Cause that would be awesome. Like a band promoter? I want to do photography or maybe a writer. I already do this and it isn’t that bad. Am I honestly that bad at it? Maybe I could create webpages like this one. I think mine looks pretty good…. I really don’t know what I want to do is that bad? I really don’t know but at the moment I’m looking at schools I could go to and making a list of creative ways to kill myself…. I don’t think I’ll post that. Time is running out for me people. What do I do??

PG