Vacation sanity

So I’m on vacation to see family. My dad is an from another country so it’s not like we drove a couple of hours to go to another state or a town a couple miles away. No. I was on planes for hours. Now I am in another country that I have been to hundreds of times for the month. A month. I’m going to probably go insane. My family is full of hypocrites. They don’t believe in anything I do. They don’t believe in being bi, or trans, or more than two genders, or anything past L and G on the scale really. I’m staying with my cousin and her child who screams through out the night and day. She is only 8 months mind you but still I’m losing my mind. My depression is getting worst again. I was finally feeling better and then not even two days and I can’t handle it. My cousin is trying to play tour guide bringing me to places that I have no interest in and that I’ve been to before and very familiar with. I can’t get a moment to myself , to just think ya know, to just be happy. Even worst my anxiety is killing me unable to talk to anyone I am uncomfortable with. I walked into a shop today and I couldn’t ask a question. I’d open my mouth and there would be no words forming. I just want to get out. Get away from my family. Please. I can’t play babysitter, tourist, family punching bag. I am tired of it. I can’t answer questions to family members more than two words because of fear of what I would say. I miss my friends so much. They gave me confidence that I am now lacking. I have no one here my age, no friends to talk to. I am sad. Like being stuck in a black hole, falling and it never ending just getting worst. I am sorry about the rant but I had to talk to someone or multiple someone’s and rant. For my sanity. What do I do? I’m giving up and 28 days left.

Sorry and thanks

PG

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Rock solid

I am not a toothpick. Growing up it feels like I am a rock. Growing up I have always been bigger than my friends. Not as in fat I was actually quite skinny but they were always skinnier. That feeling has always and still their when your friend says “oh you should try this on” but you know it won’t fit and they know it won’t fit but they say it anyways. Every time I walk into forever 21 and knowing that even my best friend an extra small normally at a height of 5″0 and 100 pounds wears a medium. Where you at a height of 5″10 and seen as “curvy” could never fit in anything. Because you have a little bit of a “muffin top” and broad shoulders. Girls that are able to shop at forever 21 are little they are skinny and short. Dresses are like shirts for anyone over 5″6. But I digress. I have always been the biggest, Not the tallest, Just the biggest. I am not unhealthy, in basketball I could outrun anyone and I was an amazing at any position in soccer. But I am strong. I can keep up with the boys when moving furniture. While my best friend can’t carry a 40 pound bag so I do it for her. Shopping is terrifying experience for me because of my curves (fear of my own body). Pants are the worst because my waist is a 7 but my butt can range from a 8-10 so nothing fits ever and with my strange build shirts do not fall or fit the way I want them to. Where skinny friends can fit in anything and look cute, where somethings just fit me differently. They are jealous of my curvy figure and I am jealous their lack of such. They say want girls that are “thick”. That is rarely true. They don’t want a real girl they want a girl with a 3 inch waist who makes her butt look bigger through photoshop and the bathroom sink during a mirror selfie. For the whole “oh well if you just work out and eat right” i do believe me I spend an hour and a half working out almost everyday and I eat healthy. Where some of my friends can eat whatever and whenever and still stay a size zero. In it all I just want to cry. It’s just a lack of confidence I say to myself to reassure myself and make me keep trying . In the end I just have to be okay with it. I was not born to be a tooth pick. I am a rock.

 

Thanks for listening

PG

Panic! Not only at the disco but everywhere

I have many story times of the amount of fear that goes through my mind everyday. As you know I am afraid of almost everything. This is because of my anxiety (at least that’s what I blame). It’s like I have this people phobia. Suprisingly one of the places I am able to hide this fear and be seen as confident is high school. I know go figure where most people fear the most I can hold my head up high…. most of the time. This does not include when I first walk in the front doors that seem to get bigger every time I walk through them. Where I walk through them quickly blaring my music and make a b line to the bathroom but after I sit in the handicap bathroom and hyper ventilate about what will happen when I walk down that first hallway.  When this panic rushes over me it’s like the feeling of being heald in a tight space, like there’s no air to breath. Everything is in slow motion like when you dive under water you just walk seeing everyone who is passing you and feeling as if you can read their minds feeling all of their hateful comments come at you each stabbing you more and more until teardrops start to rush down your face and you’re shaking like an earthquake but you just keep walking as if nothing is wrong. I have nothing to control this feeling, no happiness forcefeild that others seem to have where nothing bothers them. Maybe they have the same fears as I do and they are just a better actor then I am. But I will never know because I can’t read their minds I am just filling my head with made up words that I feel about myself when I see there eyes looking through me as if I was a  skeleton or only paper thin and there looks are a gust of wind about to push me over.

I have no other words

let’s make this a part 1 of a post .

Have a good day

PG.

battle to be perfect

Basically as most girls know it is impossible to be perfect. Looking in the mirror everyday there is always something wrong. In your head all you can thing of is things that you’d change about yourself. Body image is a big deal not only in the twenty first century but in every century know to man or in a lot of cases wo-man. Don’t get me wrong guys have a lack of self confidence as much as girls do but something about it is different. It’s not harder for either but I (as I have stated in many blog posts) am not a boy. Everyday I wake up with anxiety which is not uncommon because I am full of it 24/7. Luckily for me I don’t feel the need to wear make up because not only do I have no idea how to do it but I just do not care for the feeling of not showing my face. I am not putting down anyone who wears makeup believe me if I had any skill with it I would. I digress. Looking in the mirror is a constant struggle. From what I should wear to impress people , to the acne that covers my face, my hair that will always look like a lion that just went through a tornado, and my least favorite my weight. Now I am a big girl. I am not over weight but I feel like I am every time I see myself in motors, pictures, etc. I am actually a healthy weight for my large frame. But I have a strange body frame . My semi- large 5’10” height, broad shoulders, long   torso, medium legs, semi-hour glass figure, slight stomach, and no boobs or butt. Looking at me in my XL dad shirts you cannot tell that I would be the slightest bit over weight (that’s more of a self confidence issue with the shirts cause I don’t like people looking at my butt or lack there of).  People look at me like I am crazy when they find out that I am 160 ( more like 168 but it’s 160 on a good day). I do eat healthy and work out but I can’t fix it . This has created problems for me. At one point I stopped eating. Everyday telling myself that skinny girls don’t eat so much which then turned into barley eating at all and at one point even throwing up my food. But I got past that. That image problem yeah I still have it and I work on it everyday but trying not to care. When I give into my fears and anxiety of what the people around my could be saying I just put in my head phones and try to drown out their hateful words because they are my hateful words towards myself. Perfect girls aren’t real. You may think I am lying but everyone has something they hate about them selfs and those girls on the internet have just as many worries as you do.

Just some thoughts

PG.

i love love. Which is hard to say because in my real life as in not the one in this blog I am a boy. Not really but I am treated like one. I am not allowed to love love or even really think about it at all. I am strong, though, most of all I have no faith in this world. Something about it though. That feeling that I have never really had but I want it. The books I read make it seem like something you can’t live with out or at least don’t want to. I want it, even for just one day. I am searching yet unable to find what everyone else seems to fall into. I could make up a million stories about love hat would make your head spin. Love stories are not really real though they are just stories. Just a small part of a giant story no one will finish. I will forever love love but I will not tell anyone. Don’t tell anyone. It will be our little secret.

PG.

“Fear”

Fear is a hard topic. Probably because it scares us. Ha see what I did there scares, fear, I’m funny. Anyways away from my pointless jokes to as some would see it as breaking the ice. This is my list.

Things I am afraid of …..

  • Birds
  • Spiders
  • Lightning
  • Fire
  • Boats (fear of drowning)
  • Flying
  • Guns
  • Bad Grades
  • Boys
  • People
  • Sex
  • Relationships
  • Rejection
  • Being seen as dumb
  • Being bad at something
  • Commitment in general
  • Letting my parents down
  • Not graduating
  • Never Going to college
  • Not achieving any of my goals
  • Someone finding out what goes on in my head
  • Being in love
  • Being Gay
  • Being left behind
  • Being forgotten
  • Losing myself in the person I am trying to make other people see
  • Someone hating me for my beliefs
  • Waking up every morning for the rest of my life feeling alone
  • Feeling life isn’t worth it anymore
  • My anxiety controlling me
  • Someone finding this and using it against me for the rest of my life
  • Having someone I love hate me for something I can’t control

These are only some of my fears and writing them down feels like this weight lifted off my shoulders. A lot of these things might happen to me and it’s okay. I will be strong enough to survive. Being able to show the world without fear is even better. You should try it. Even if it’s just writing a little list down. You don’t have to show anyone.

Good Night,

PG.