I just don’t know yet

Sometimes I want to get married. That may not be surprising to you but believe me those who know me would be incredibly surprised to hear that. I want that commitment to one person and always have them by my side supporting me in everything I do because wouldn’t that be nice to have. But I don’t know yet.

Sometimes I want to have kids. Even if I wasn’t married I would want to have them because they would get just as much love from me as from two parents. I don’t really care if my kids are “from me” I would be willing to adopt or foster as many as they’d let me have. I just want to be able to raise someone who will be part of the future and making them into the person they will be just like my parents did for me. But I don’t know yet.

Sometimes I want to become a doctor just to say that I am one. It would have to be in something I love and I would be able to help others around me in any case because I was in fact a doctor. I want to become a professor and come back to teach after my great travels around the world. Teaching for Yale or Colombia to show kids what I did and teach them what I learned. But I don’t know yet.

Sometimes I want to be an artist. But isn’t everyone an artist in their own way? I want to be all of the artists or at least study them all or see them all in action. I want to share my ideas with others in every way I can that one day you will see my work and just stop to look at it for even a second maybe take a picture of it because you like it so much. But I don’t know yet.

Sometimes I want to believe in God. To have someone to lean on. Someone to help me in my time of need that I can go to when I am in a panic and don’t know what to do. Someone who has the power to fix it. But does he. Is there a God that will see what is happening to me vs everyone else around me? Sometimes even the belief of God seems like it will help but will it? I’m not saying everyone shouldn’t but I have been let down before and this time I don’t think I could handle being let down again. So I don’t know yet.

World War Me

At night everything changes. When the sun goes down it’s like our true selves come out or at least the sad version of all our feelings. In dark or light no one can see into my body or mind. They can’t see how heavy my heart is or that constant stabbing my stomach feels as I breath, move, or think. No one can hear my screams. In the darkness my tears poor out into the silence of my pillow and they just keep flowing like Niagara Falls until right before the sun comes up where I turn off the tears for the day and put on my happy face. I can’t give anyone my baggage because I know they have their own to deal with. How do I know this? because I help carry it. I am like a bellhop who has all of my own baggage to carry that no one see, but still helps bring everyone else’s to their room (no tip). Carrying their bags for as far as I am able helps me forget the weight of my own, detracting me for a second. But then I remember them. My tears feel like glass against my face, my stomach always tied in knots. There’s something about the pain. No one else sees it or feels it, I won’t let them. People don’t realize that words hurt most of all as I try to laugh off their insults as they stab into my scarred skin, cutting deeper and deeper. Not knowing that they are tearing me apart, not knowing that I am already tearing myself apart piece by piece. My pain is mine to keep. In this battle field of me against myself and the world, I will not let others get trapped in my fight. I try to not let them see the tears anymore. The last time I let someone see my wounds they did not join my battle but just add to it, ridiculing me. People around me see the tears less and less thinking that I am getting better as I cover my emotional scars because I’m not getting better, I’m getting worst I just won’t let them see. Every muscle in my body in pain but no one sees how hard I work to do anything. No one will let me be happy when all I am trying to do is make them happy. Life is a battle field and I’m fighting alone.

I have a list that I haven’t released. As most of you know I make lists of everything in my life because for some odd reason I have to. My list I haven’t released is probably to some the scariest to even think that it goes through my head. This list is called the ways I would kill myself list. It’s saved in my computer (yes I’ve even written it down), I have gone and looked at it almost everyday. Don’t be alarmed I will most likely never do it. I am too rational to be reckless. I had to write my list down so it would finally leave my head and I look at it to remind me the place I was in, or haven’t yet gotten out of. It is in all ways a good reminder that I am here for a reason and when I look at the list I remember that. Why am I saying this on the internet? Well I felt I was lying to you all about things that happen. I feel the media doesn’t portray certain views well and people should know that there are people that are going through the same things, maybe even worst that they did research and wrote a list. But I can tell you that it has shown me a light at the end of the tunnel of it all. I realize that even though I am not happy that I don’t need to make others miserable too, they deserve to be happier. Maybe one day I will post my list but for now I am still writing it. But to make you feel better I am also making a list of things that can be short term tips to being happy. I may post that one day too.

Thank you for reading this and I hope your day was good.

P.G.

Filled with lies

Real friends don’t lie. Probably one of the things I have seen and heard a million times. I’ve gotten in so much trouble for that statement. “Real friends don’t lie to each other”, hearing it over and over again as I proceed to lie to everyone I love about various different things. But that is bullshit (mind my language), real friends lie. Everyone lies. That is just a normal thing to do. Not only about big things but also about stupid little things too. You lie to your parents so they don’t worry about you and you can still feel free. You lie to your friends to save their feelings for something you know they wouldn’t be able to handle. You lie to yourself to keep this idea of yourself that you are doing the right thing everyday to save face. There are billions of lies floating around in the air. Media tries to keep the fact that people are dying everyday by trying to distract you with the latest celebrity and their newest secret pregnancy or accidental leek of a sex tape. But we can’t get rid of these lies because where they are seen as wrong they also help. I am filled with lies but each one does not weigh me down. It may hold me back in some ways but when push comes to shove I would rather lie than hurt someone I love over something I could move past with no problems.

Maybe I’m a bad person, but don’t say you don’t lie.

P.G.

Daily Routine

• Wake up after sleeping for twelve and a half hours (or even worst three hours)
• Go through social media for an hour
• Turn on music
• Walk to the bathroom feeling my stomach turn
• Brush all the knots out of my impossible untamed hair
• Put hair into ponytail
• Wash face
• Look in the mirror and tell yourself that it’s going to be a good day (if you don’t then it will undoubtedly be a bad one)
• Brush teeth
• Take down hair and put it in front of your face so no one has to see your acne scars
• Weigh yourself (still to much)
• Go back to room
• Put on clothes for the day
• Change
• Change again
• Transfer playlist from playing on computer to phone and put in headphones
• Go to kitchen and grab a hand full of grapes (if you don’t have grapes you are allowed half a banana)
• Feed dog
• Start to walk to school dreading every step along the way
• Over think every minute it takes you before you get to the school
• Turn music up so loud you can barley hear yourself over think everything that will happen today
• Go into bathroom at school and look in the mirror to remind yourself to breath and that you will make it through the day
• Breathe
• Start to walk down the halls when you see your “friends” who of course have something to say
• Remember that they are always just joking and you need to joke back or they will know that you are being destroyed inside (no one can know)
• Smile so no one can see your pain
• Hang out with even more people so you must be happy with all these “friends” you can talk to
• Try to pay attention in class even though your mind will not stop about what is going on around you
• Stop shaking because people will see your fear and think you’re a freak
• You are a freak
• Try to talk to the guy you want to talk to more than anyone
• He only sees you as another friend and leaves you to go talk to other friends (more important than you of course)
• Lunch you can only eat small amounts or nothing at all (unless you are with friends because they will notice you not eating)
• Since you are a senior try to talk to some of the new freshmen and not freeze up
• Smile (you are prettier when you smile)
• Freaks don’t smile
•  Breathe. You need to breathe.
• Answer your snap chat streaks (those are important)
• Try to talk to him again (same result)
• Walk home tired and discussing, overthinking everything that happened today
• Get ready for work
• Go to work (sit, read, basically pointless job stuff that you have to do)
• Go home
• Check the mail
• Go inside
• Make yourself dinner ( a lot of dinner ) You are allowed to eat.
•  Go out and go for a bike ride on Leroy (don’t forget your backpack)
• Cycle till you can’t breathe and the heat feels like it inhales you
• Go on a swing to breathe again
• Breathe, really breathe
• Smoke. Just a little. Just to take the edge off. Just to be a little okay again.
• Ride home
• Take a shower, putting music on as loud as possible (singing along because you love your voice and no one can hear you).
• Look in the mirror (you look better.. skinnier)
• Try to avoid parents as much as possible
• Try texting someone? (so you won’t be so lonely)
• Little to no answers
• Feed the dog
• Paint in your closet (it’s bigger than your room but not many people know that)
• Maybe write something in your blog that no one knows you have
• Try to go to sleep
• Count your breathes as you try to sleep
• Freak…
• Can’t sleep
• Wake up and read a book
• Check phone for answers (none)
• Go back to sleep.

Repeat.

 

I am a writer… I think

Sometimes I think a little to much which is strange because sometimes I sit there and it feels like I’m not thinking at all. It’s like my mind is a forever black hole, never ending. I read because it feels like I’m apart of something yet I’m not there I am just an overseer. This story that someone created that I get to make my own but then sends me back into the never ending spiral of what I am doing with my own life. I wish I was a writer but I can not write. But I am a writer who can not write, an artist who cannot create, who has a black canvas yet a million and one ideas exploding in my mind unable to be even fathomed by another. I take extraordinary photos to another but to me they seem not even good enough to be ordinary. I want to be a writer but I cannot write , but I can you see I am writing right now that you are reading and hopefully enjoying . My once little blog that I put my feelings on for the world to see was seen by no one but me. Now it is being viewed by people all over the world. I am a story teller because I have a million personalities that I created in my mind where one person could one side of me where another would never know that side existed. Where I create these not lies but adventures that I haven’t done yet to make myself seem more interesting but not for you, for me. I want to be loved by the people that are important to me. Would they like the real me probably not. I don’t even know the real me anymore it’s like one day I’m one person and then the next day it flips. I don’t want to choice just one I want to be all of them. I have even created a new self on my blog where I am everyone and no one at the same time under PG. The self I don’t want to let out yet. I am afraid but sometimes I don’t know what I am afraid of. It’s like my true self has gone missing. A writer is not someone who writes a book. Well it is but it’s so many other things. It can be an artist, a comidan, a scientist, and so many other things. For my English teachers through out the years who have graded my essays, papers, poems, etc. and said that “the concept was good” but still ended up giving me a 60% with a “nice work try harder next time”, where I put my heart into my work and was never good enough. I frown upon you, yes my grammar is not superb and my sentence structure is lacking. It really doesn’t matter to me because I am and will be a writer and if they saw this today they would see how I’ve grown. I am a writer.

I hope

PG

How do I relationship?

Wow another relatable topic that includes my anxiety and lack of social skills. Guess what guys I’m back from across the pond. Not only is it 10 degrees hotter but a lot harder than I thought to adjust to my home then it was to my home away from home. Yet again I have been screwed over by someone of the male gender and feeling betrayed for trusting them. How are relationships so hard for me. I can’t be the only one with this comment. It’s just so difficult to comit to something because of this fear that they will do exactly what the last one that I trusted did. This has left me stuck thinking about what is wrong with me. Another way I feel useless in this   abyss of life. My final year of high school and first year of college begins I feel alone in this adventure. But why does this need for a relationship feel so important to me. Society has always built up this need for females like myself that they need a man to function. Do I? That is what I am really not sure of. Heck I love my friends and they support me through all I do but it feels like there is a level of love that I am missing out on in life. The fear of being cheated on by another. Life is a path of which you choice your own. To most that would not make since of what I mean but it is to say that I have made it this far without someone on my path. You make your own choices. Good luck on yours and wish me luck on mine .

PG

Still on vaca?

Yes that’s right my vacation sanity is still going…. not as strong as I’d like it to be but I still haven’t killed anyone. This is amazing because I’m staying with family …. with a new born ish baby and I get little to no sleep with crying and screaming at 4 am . But I have relized in all of this annoyance with my loving family that I have not written about my thought provoking life for my millions of maybe 5 fans and I figured that you guys missed me. Here’s a small tidbit about how my life is going in my wonderful weeks across seas. Not one but three of my cousins have new children that are all barley 3 months apart so every house I stay in there is a child. Compared to the rest of my twenty cousins live in the one place my parents will not let me go because of the greatest thing ever. Fear. Not only am I an adolescent I am also a female. So every time I walk out the door they feel there will be a new attacker trying to murder me. I have to be escorted by my cousin who is only a year older than me but because he is male I will be safe. Only bad part is he sort of kind of hates me so the chances of me getting out of the house is basically impossible. Don’t worry I will be back home soon enough and you will get to read about my awful life. Have a great life. May all your days be bright and quiet.

PG.

Vacation sanity

So I’m on vacation to see family. My dad is an from another country so it’s not like we drove a couple of hours to go to another state or a town a couple miles away. No. I was on planes for hours. Now I am in another country that I have been to hundreds of times for the month. A month. I’m going to probably go insane. My family is full of hypocrites. They don’t believe in anything I do. They don’t believe in being bi, or trans, or more than two genders, or anything past L and G on the scale really. I’m staying with my cousin and her child who screams through out the night and day. She is only 8 months mind you but still I’m losing my mind. My depression is getting worst again. I was finally feeling better and then not even two days and I can’t handle it. My cousin is trying to play tour guide bringing me to places that I have no interest in and that I’ve been to before and very familiar with. I can’t get a moment to myself , to just think ya know, to just be happy. Even worst my anxiety is killing me unable to talk to anyone I am uncomfortable with. I walked into a shop today and I couldn’t ask a question. I’d open my mouth and there would be no words forming. I just want to get out. Get away from my family. Please. I can’t play babysitter, tourist, family punching bag. I am tired of it. I can’t answer questions to family members more than two words because of fear of what I would say. I miss my friends so much. They gave me confidence that I am now lacking. I have no one here my age, no friends to talk to. I am sad. Like being stuck in a black hole, falling and it never ending just getting worst. I am sorry about the rant but I had to talk to someone or multiple someone’s and rant. For my sanity. What do I do? I’m giving up and 28 days left.

Sorry and thanks

PG

Rock solid

I am not a toothpick. Growing up it feels like I am a rock. Growing up I have always been bigger than my friends. Not as in fat I was actually quite skinny but they were always skinnier. That feeling has always and still their when your friend says “oh you should try this on” but you know it won’t fit and they know it won’t fit but they say it anyways. Every time I walk into forever 21 and knowing that even my best friend an extra small normally at a height of 5″0 and 100 pounds wears a medium. Where you at a height of 5″10 and seen as “curvy” could never fit in anything. Because you have a little bit of a “muffin top” and broad shoulders. Girls that are able to shop at forever 21 are little they are skinny and short. Dresses are like shirts for anyone over 5″6. But I digress. I have always been the biggest, Not the tallest, Just the biggest. I am not unhealthy, in basketball I could outrun anyone and I was an amazing at any position in soccer. But I am strong. I can keep up with the boys when moving furniture. While my best friend can’t carry a 40 pound bag so I do it for her. Shopping is terrifying experience for me because of my curves (fear of my own body). Pants are the worst because my waist is a 7 but my butt can range from a 8-10 so nothing fits ever and with my strange build shirts do not fall or fit the way I want them to. Where skinny friends can fit in anything and look cute, where somethings just fit me differently. They are jealous of my curvy figure and I am jealous their lack of such. They say want girls that are “thick”. That is rarely true. They don’t want a real girl they want a girl with a 3 inch waist who makes her butt look bigger through photoshop and the bathroom sink during a mirror selfie. For the whole “oh well if you just work out and eat right” i do believe me I spend an hour and a half working out almost everyday and I eat healthy. Where some of my friends can eat whatever and whenever and still stay a size zero. In it all I just want to cry. It’s just a lack of confidence I say to myself to reassure myself and make me keep trying . In the end I just have to be okay with it. I was not born to be a tooth pick. I am a rock.

 

Thanks for listening

PG