College, where your parents have to send you “sorry you’re depressed cookies” for the first three months. Haha adapting is strange, this weekend I saw my best friend who came here to visit me. You know when a show crosses over with another one. Like when the recess kids were in lilo and stitch (omg does anyone remember that but me #2000kids). I guess for those who never saw that iconic episode I’d use Avengers endgame as another example. If you haven’t seen either then I really can’t help you. ANYWAYS. Everyday here is kind of just turned into a giant repeat of the days before until and alternative force comes into change it. She shifted living here in a way. A good way of course. But now I’m back in my head about life and writing to you. My therapy source away from therapy because I can’t go right now (actually I can but that’s another story). My days are slowly solving shit show after shit show. But I guess that’s progress right. This is my coming of age chapter… It sucks but I guess that’s just part of it. What do I do?

I want a hot tub time machine

I want to move through time and go back in time. It’s one of the best super powers. Imagine being able to go back to the first point you were ever felt depression and stopping it. My mental illness wouldn’t be real because I could go back to the day that it happened and stopped these years of trauma in their tracks. But you can’t do that and it sucks. At the same time, though imagine going back and “fixing your life”, would you be happy of course. You wouldn’t be who you are, but is that better or worst. Maybe I should rather go forward in time then backwards so then I could just prepare for every bad thing that would ever happen to me just so when I felt like shit I would know why and how to fix it and that I made it through the problem. I don’t know. I’m so sad every day. My anxiety has been so bad. I’m back to being sick again. I wish I could go back in time to see how I fixed myself last time, or even forward to at least see that I made it through at all. Every days black hole has just come back into my life stronger than ever and I have no idea how to battle it this time. All I know is that my head hurts, my eyes are red, and my chest is sore. It feels like that’s just going to be my life for a little bit. Wish me luck?

I’m sorry I didn’t mean to

I naturally blame everything on myself. When something, anything, goes wrong it is my fault. I never knew that I really did this until yesterday. I was sitting in the car with my best friend listening to music through YouTube. I go to play the next song and a commercial pops up. Immediately I say sorry and she looks at me and replies “for what you don’t control commercials.” When someone does something wrong to me I end up apologizing to them. Why? Good question. I put myself into that situation so anything that goes wrong is automatically my fault because I could have chosen to be/ do something else. I “live for people”. I want everyone to be happy all the time so taking the blame never seems so bad. I do it so often and honestly I’m kind of mad at myself right now for always doing it. Anyone messes up I feel like I need to take that blame from them or then they will feel bad about it. Does that make me a good person or a stupid one? Taking the blame all the time just leaves me feeling miserable but usually that’s okay because I’m so used to being miserable all the time anyway. It’s not like every time is someone else’s fault and I take the blame, believe me, I fuck up all the time too I’m not saying that I don’t. Honestly I don’t think I can change this or that I’ll even try to but it needed to be said. I needed to write it down. I need to know that I am aware of what I’m doing to myself because then at least I’m not blindly hurting myself. But hurting yourself is still hurting yourself I guess. Honestly I just wanted someone to read this and see that they aren’t the only one who does this. Or maybe I am the only one who does this. It just seems like lately I’m helping and not being helped, which again I don’t want to complain about I love helping my friends. I’m just alone but never alone, I’m just…..miserable.

Lately the whole world feels like it’s against me. The least helpful part is that I’m already against myself. Lately I’ve just been trying to keep up. A new job, my other job, my social life, and school. Not to mention my anxiety and depression slowly but surely kicking my ass. What do I do? How can I fix everything? Is it even fixable? At this point every time I open my mouth to speak it’s like little razor blades are stabbing me in the throat as the words come out. Trying to hold in my tears and distract from the pain. I guess in times like this I’m just happy to know who my friends are and be sad about who I thought were. Everyone has rough times so I’ll stop complaining now. I’m so ready to start this new chapter of my life but it’s still months away.

Small update

One of the first things I ever wrote on this blog is how I didn’t understand why it was seen as wrong to be gay or something like that. That was almost two years ago which is kind of crazy now. Difference between then and now is that I am okay with saying I not only like boys but I also like girls. I’m happy to be out, well kind of. I hate telling people.. It’s like they look at you, their eyes change even though they are trying so hard not to react I can see it. They see me as gay now even though I still like the opposite sex. They don’t even see they see I am a girl who likes other girls. Some people think it’s wrong, others accept me but don’t understand, some understand and don’t care. The ones I have a problem with are the people who think it’s hot. I am not a sex object for you to exploit. Yes I like girls, no that does not mean I will have a three way with you or make out with my girl friend in front of you because you think it’s hot. It’s just this whole new world of hate and people not understanding, but that’s what I’ve been thrown into I guess. Also if you were wondering I’ve gotten accepted into my top two schools for college! That’s all.. Happy Sunday.

Never daddy’s little girl

My father hates me. Pretty sure my parents never wanted me in the first place but who cares because after their pregnancy mishap (aka me) they were stuck with me. I do everything on my own because they don’t really help. They don’t look over my homework or sign my permission slips, but I’ve never wanted them to. I just wanted to avoid the fight. My dad is a my way or the highway kind of guy. The kind of guy who only believes what he thinks is true and talks at you not to you. My parents were both raised the same way I was, with no praise, so I get no praise. Honestly when my dad comes around I have a hard time breathing, I get really uncomfortable, I just don’t ever want to be around my parents. The thing that gets to me is that they were such amazing people before they had me. They traveled the world, lived all over, real adventurers. They’re past life is all I want to be, but I hate being with them or near them. How are my idols people that I literally never want to talk to because I know it won’t turn out well. Every teenager hates their parents. I never really bonded with them. I look up to them but when I get older I don’t even want to have ties with them.

I just need one acceptance letter

Once again I am cornered. At this point I feel so trapped all the time it’s like bouncing from one to another. Kinda like jumping out of a cage and into a bear trap, and then on to the next. I’ve also have writers block at the moment which is strange because I write so well on here but it’s less than three days until my college applications are due and I can’t get the words out on the bullshit behind “why do you want to attend this institution?”. Most likely because the only answer I can think of is I don’t but I need to go to college so LET ME IN. Can I say that? I’m a decent worker not like I’ll slack in class but does it matter what college I go to?? I don’t care where I end up sometimes I wish they picked for you. I can’t write about the school academic program because I haven’t looked into it. I can’t bullshit my personal growth in the school because I think I’ve lost the ability to convince people. Not that I’m not a pro bullshitter and a good con-artist if I say so myself. But why do I have cold feet, it’s just college… just the next four years of my life.

Once I loved someone

Once upon a time, a long time ago. I had a boy that meant who felt like my entire world. I know what you’re thinking. It’s weird reading about the girl who talks about nothing but wanting this love she never had or her deep rooted anxiety and depression was once with someone she loved more than anything. Is it even possible? Well yes it is. This boy was my everything. (Okay I’m exaggerating a little bit). You know the story. First love, he could do nothing wrong in my eyes. No one would ever replace him. But I was stupid let it go. That led to us being on and off for almost two years. Two years, I was so in love with one person I would tell him anything and everything. He knew every detail of my life. Then after all that time and history I got my heart broken, destroyed. My love was gone, I tried to keep him around, we could still be friends, I believed I could forgive him. After months of heart break and recovery. I let you go, for good. Never letting anyone that close ever again. It hasn’t been that long since you were my everything. Still thinking about you, writing about you, trying to forget. Until one day you weren’t in my head anymore. That is until today, when you called my name out on the street. My heart dropped when I heard you, when I saw you, us speaking. After over a year in a half here you were the same person I fell in love with. Talking to you, looking into your eyes, nothing had changed about you. Except you weren’t mine anymore, we didn’t know everything about each other anymore. We were strangers. Is that my fault or yours. You didn’t have to go through the heart break, at least I didn’t think you did. You made your choice and you picked her over me when you were with me. You made that choice so why do I feel like the one who messed up. Why could I find nothing that compared. Why am I still here the same mess I’ve always been, you were the only one who never minded that I had problems, you always stuck with me, and you back like nothing has changed. But everything has changed. Today it was awkward, I was nervous, not as comfortable as we’ve always been with each other. I sat there in pain, I didn’t know what to do. Why do I have to miss you? One glance at you made my heart drop out of my chest and I heard it hit the bottom of my stomach. I love you and I know I always will but I will never have you back. Now I get to see you all the time and I don’t know if I’ll be able to survive it. Today I added you back into my life or at least I accepted the possibility and I really don’t know how I feel about it (obviously).

could be an epic love story

I think my idea of love is impossible, maybe I’ve just created this picture in my head of the perfect scenario for me. When I think of love, I think of just being with your best friend. I want to stay up with them and watch the stupidest movies while we both laugh at the plot or make fun of the character clichés. I want to go to his house and just walk in, grab a bag of chips, take one of his shirts or hoodies, and just take a nap while he plays video games or watches tv just kinda laughing at me with his friends. I want to hang out and be able to joke about anything because we both know how to take a joke. I want him to jam out in the car with me and laugh at when classic Justin Bieber comes on and I belt out the lyrics. Know when I’m in an Indy or rap mood but it doesn’t matter because with him I could be able to listen to anything, but no country, never country, okay maybe a little country. I want it to be easy going we don’t have to a party but sometimes we want to. I want his friends to pick on me but in a nice loving way. I want them all to know who I am because he’s always telling funny stories about me and they all see how much I mean to him so when they meet me I’m already a legend. I want someone who won’t get mad at me for my bad or nervous habits but will try to help me because they want the best for me. I want a cheerleader who will never stop cheering me on. I want someone to debate with me, not an argument, just a debate.  I want someone whose parents to love me, but not too much because I don’t want to do too much with the family. I want the adventures and the dull moments. I want a love so strong that when it’s over; I am destroyed. I think many people are afraid of that but is it a worthwhile thing if you aren‘t destroyed after it. I want an epic love that could never compare to any other just because it was unique in its own amazing way. It’s probably dumb because I’m only eighteen and this idea will change but this is what I want and for some reason unable to find lol.

Am I the problem

Being miserable.. Is it okay? What do I do? Talk about it. In my heart I’m sad but when I talk about it I get more and angrier wanting who hurt me to feel pain. That scares me, I want someone else to feel the way I do. Because doesn’t that make me want to cause harm or pain to another and I want to think I would never. In my psychology class, we learned about personality types, I’m type D, which means I’m a worrier but we knew didn’t we. I’m tired of being scared of everything and I want to fix it but there’s a part of me that is stopping myself. Why? Why am I like this? What’s wrong with me? Sometimes I like to tell myself that it’s not me but looking back at everything there is one common factor to all the things that have gone wrong in my life and that’s me. So it must be me, right?