Lately the whole world feels like it’s against me. The least helpful part is that I’m already against myself. Lately I’ve just been trying to keep up. A new job, my other job, my social life, and school. Not to mention my anxiety and depression slowly but surely kicking my ass. What do I do? How can I fix everything? Is it even fixable? At this point every time I open my mouth to speak it’s like little razor blades are stabbing me in the throat as the words come out. Trying to hold in my tears and distract from the pain. I guess in times like this I’m just happy to know who my friends are and be sad about who I thought were. Everyone has rough times so I’ll stop complaining now. I’m so ready to start this new chapter of my life but it’s still months away.

could be an epic love story

I think my idea of love is impossible, maybe I’ve just created this picture in my head of the perfect scenario for me. When I think of love, I think of just being with your best friend. I want to stay up with them and watch the stupidest movies while we both laugh at the plot or make fun of the character clichés. I want to go to his house and just walk in, grab a bag of chips, take one of his shirts or hoodies, and just take a nap while he plays video games or watches tv just kinda laughing at me with his friends. I want to hang out and be able to joke about anything because we both know how to take a joke. I want him to jam out in the car with me and laugh at when classic Justin Bieber comes on and I belt out the lyrics. Know when I’m in an Indy or rap mood but it doesn’t matter because with him I could be able to listen to anything, but no country, never country, okay maybe a little country. I want it to be easy going we don’t have to a party but sometimes we want to. I want his friends to pick on me but in a nice loving way. I want them all to know who I am because he’s always telling funny stories about me and they all see how much I mean to him so when they meet me I’m already a legend. I want someone who won’t get mad at me for my bad or nervous habits but will try to help me because they want the best for me. I want a cheerleader who will never stop cheering me on. I want someone to debate with me, not an argument, just a debate.  I want someone whose parents to love me, but not too much because I don’t want to do too much with the family. I want the adventures and the dull moments. I want a love so strong that when it’s over; I am destroyed. I think many people are afraid of that but is it a worthwhile thing if you aren‘t destroyed after it. I want an epic love that could never compare to any other just because it was unique in its own amazing way. It’s probably dumb because I’m only eighteen and this idea will change but this is what I want and for some reason unable to find lol.

My little secret

“Why don’t you just leave and never come back.” This sounds pretty harsh right? Well I am the one saying it to myself on a daily basis. Honestly I hate myself but to a point where I understand that it won’t change. I accept the fact that when other people hate me I agree with all the things that hate about me and I don’t doubt their judgement. I actually wonder why more don’t feel the same they do.  Sometimes I wish I wasn’t the only one who hates myself more than anything else in the world. I wish my insecurities weren’t real. My mental disability wasn’t real. I wish someone understood the pain I go through and I could talk to them and they’d get it and there probably is. But everyone’s pain is different. No one will ever 100% understand what you are going through accept you. It’s actually really hard to know you have no one to go to. No family or even friends who can really get it. No faith in religion to pray for this to all go away. The thing is even though I wish I had someone who really got it, I actually don’t wish that at all I wish the opposite. I hate what I have to go through. I would never want anyone to have to feel the pain I feel to have the sleepless nights or fear to go out, the fear to really do anything and the fear that I won’t / can’t do anything because of my fear. I hope I am the only one with this condition.

I just have to learn to handle it on my own. I hope someone can accept me because I will never trueley accept myself and you will be the only one to know this I will never tell anyone else.

Can’t even tell you in person

Can I tell you that I’m miserable? That I’m terrified, of everything? I honestly wish everyone knew how scared I am on a daily basis. How it’s not them that is doing it, just their presence. I feel so bad that I can’t go out with my friends because of my anxiety. Yes, it’s that bad. Sometimes I feel like my room is my safe place because it’s where I can hide from them, but then I realize my fear is trapping me in my room like a jail cell with no key. I wish my friends knew that when I cancel on them or say I can’t go when I can that it is not because I don’t love them and want to spend time with them but the fact that I can’t eat in front of them, I can’t be seen in what I’m wearing, I can’t handle what even they might think of me. I wish they knew how hard it is to be as uncomfortable as I am all the time and why. I wish I really knew why. How my fear traps me from going out, from driving, from talking to anyone. You can’t just come out and say you have anxiety or how bad it is because if you can say it out loud the person you are talking to doesn’t believe you. They don’t see how hard it was for you to say it. “Don’t worry were all friends, you’ll be fine” , they say to me as I sigh and try to power through. School is hell. Walking in, group projects, presentations, open discussion, etc. Never afraid to crack a joke but I can’t state my opinion because that is something someone could see me differently for. I am out and confident in front of so many but inside my guts feel as if they are being stabbed into. Trying not to show my fear at work or school. What do I do? How do I stop it? Even to scared to really talk about it to a therapist. Never really seeing how bad it’s been getting as I become more independent. Parents not knowing, just telling me to suck it up. I need to figure this out before she leaves. Before I leave.

I am scared; change is needed

Close your eyes, cry out , scream at the top of your lungs that the world isn’t fair. Now open your eyes, guess what, the world still isn’t fair. You’re still young, nervous,  naïve; you don’t know what the world has planned for you yet. Screaming that the world isn’t fair isn’t going to do anything. Face your fears, go out and change what you don’t like about the world. I think this is a lesson we all need to learn. It is okay to complain or be scared or not like something, it is not okay to not try change it.

I just don’t know yet

Sometimes I want to get married. That may not be surprising to you but believe me those who know me would be incredibly surprised to hear that. I want that commitment to one person and always have them by my side supporting me in everything I do because wouldn’t that be nice to have. But I don’t know yet.

Sometimes I want to have kids. Even if I wasn’t married I would want to have them because they would get just as much love from me as from two parents. I don’t really care if my kids are “from me” I would be willing to adopt or foster as many as they’d let me have. I just want to be able to raise someone who will be part of the future and making them into the person they will be just like my parents did for me. But I don’t know yet.

Sometimes I want to become a doctor just to say that I am one. It would have to be in something I love and I would be able to help others around me in any case because I was in fact a doctor. I want to become a professor and come back to teach after my great travels around the world. Teaching for Yale or Colombia to show kids what I did and teach them what I learned. But I don’t know yet.

Sometimes I want to be an artist. But isn’t everyone an artist in their own way? I want to be all of the artists or at least study them all or see them all in action. I want to share my ideas with others in every way I can that one day you will see my work and just stop to look at it for even a second maybe take a picture of it because you like it so much. But I don’t know yet.

Sometimes I want to believe in God. To have someone to lean on. Someone to help me in my time of need that I can go to when I am in a panic and don’t know what to do. Someone who has the power to fix it. But does he. Is there a God that will see what is happening to me vs everyone else around me? Sometimes even the belief of God seems like it will help but will it? I’m not saying everyone shouldn’t but I have been let down before and this time I don’t think I could handle being let down again. So I don’t know yet.

My eyes hurt

What will make it stop. I keep asking myself over and over as my face gets warmer and warmer. My eyes becoming rivers overflowing with water eroding my face as each drop goes over the Niagara falls that is my face. I try to run as fast as I can to make it stop like the tears will dry as the cold wind slashes me over and over until I become numb. Trying to make my eyes stop because they control the tears right? Not my head, not my heart, but my eyes. I have to get them to stop before someone sees before I walk through that door of my house, school, job will see that I can not handle what’s going on in my head. That even in all the time I have had in therapy learning to control how to deal with the people around me, the stress I encounter, the fear I have when I walk into a room; but still not how to make my mind stop spinning round and round with these little ideas popping in and out as if I was falling down the rabbit hole just waiting to hit the ground in wonderland but the ground will never come. I am trapped in my own mind, I have created my own prison. If I can’t control my mind who is? Am I someone else who is just a character my mind (or whoever is controlling it’s mind) has created and everyday a figment of ones imagination. Maybe I am just stuck in someone elses bad dream or I am a book character that my book is stuck in the middle of bad but the pages just won’t turn. If this is true I would like whoever is reading this book right now to turn the page, end the chapter, close the freaking book because I’m suffering. I want to stop my mind from spinning, I don’t want to be alone in this spiral. I am sorry that I can’t handle this, but I handle better than most I scream at the others in my mind. “I am trying my hardest with what I’ve got” I tell myself over and over as I cry night after night. What can I do to make it stop.

 

Emotionless

I sit here with no emotion what so ever as the people around me smile and laugh. They look at me when they notice I am not doing the same, I fake it. They feel relieved that I am okay because now I am smiling. I’ve gotten really good at faking it. Now I can smile like everyday is a miracle and that my life is the best beach day in the world. They don’t see the pain in my eyes when I smile. How I have the ends of my mouth attached to fish hooks so I can pull them like puppet strings to show happiness. “You only smile when you’re uncomfortable or up to something”, they say because they know me so well. What they don’t know is what I’m up to is trying to make them happy and not see that I am in no way an issue they should worry about. As I sit in my room alone more and more because going out is getting more and more tiring. Going to work I feel this need to run every time I see someone new walk in the door. Every noise making my skin crawl. Trying to stop the tears from streaming down my face when I talk to anyone. Leaving whenever I can because I can’t handle what is going on around me. Everyone’s mind is like a factory but mine is slowly shutting down and turning grey. Like my workers have gone on strike because even they want a better life. Everything is falling apart with only tape to put it back together. Bring me some glue please.

World War Me

At night everything changes. When the sun goes down it’s like our true selves come out or at least the sad version of all our feelings. In dark or light no one can see into my body or mind. They can’t see how heavy my heart is or that constant stabbing my stomach feels as I breath, move, or think. No one can hear my screams. In the darkness my tears poor out into the silence of my pillow and they just keep flowing like Niagara Falls until right before the sun comes up where I turn off the tears for the day and put on my happy face. I can’t give anyone my baggage because I know they have their own to deal with. How do I know this? because I help carry it. I am like a bellhop who has all of my own baggage to carry that no one see, but still helps bring everyone else’s to their room (no tip). Carrying their bags for as far as I am able helps me forget the weight of my own, detracting me for a second. But then I remember them. My tears feel like glass against my face, my stomach always tied in knots. There’s something about the pain. No one else sees it or feels it, I won’t let them. People don’t realize that words hurt most of all as I try to laugh off their insults as they stab into my scarred skin, cutting deeper and deeper. Not knowing that they are tearing me apart, not knowing that I am already tearing myself apart piece by piece. My pain is mine to keep. In this battle field of me against myself and the world, I will not let others get trapped in my fight. I try to not let them see the tears anymore. The last time I let someone see my wounds they did not join my battle but just add to it, ridiculing me. People around me see the tears less and less thinking that I am getting better as I cover my emotional scars because I’m not getting better, I’m getting worst I just won’t let them see. Every muscle in my body in pain but no one sees how hard I work to do anything. No one will let me be happy when all I am trying to do is make them happy. Life is a battle field and I’m fighting alone.

I have a list that I haven’t released. As most of you know I make lists of everything in my life because for some odd reason I have to. My list I haven’t released is probably to some the scariest to even think that it goes through my head. This list is called the ways I would kill myself list. It’s saved in my computer (yes I’ve even written it down), I have gone and looked at it almost everyday. Don’t be alarmed I will most likely never do it. I am too rational to be reckless. I had to write my list down so it would finally leave my head and I look at it to remind me the place I was in, or haven’t yet gotten out of. It is in all ways a good reminder that I am here for a reason and when I look at the list I remember that. Why am I saying this on the internet? Well I felt I was lying to you all about things that happen. I feel the media doesn’t portray certain views well and people should know that there are people that are going through the same things, maybe even worst that they did research and wrote a list. But I can tell you that it has shown me a light at the end of the tunnel of it all. I realize that even though I am not happy that I don’t need to make others miserable too, they deserve to be happier. Maybe one day I will post my list but for now I am still writing it. But to make you feel better I am also making a list of things that can be short term tips to being happy. I may post that one day too.

Thank you for reading this and I hope your day was good.

P.G.