Am I really me?

How do you choose between being the person you want to be and being the person someone else wants you to be? This honestly to me seems like a rhetorical question. How do I choose. I used to think I knew who I was, how I was going to turn out, what I wanted to do. It’s funny I feel like I was more on track with all of these things at the age of twelve. I was always fully myself. I never worried about what people thought of me. As we all know those things change as you get older. You know boys, popularity, everything just seems to hit you all at once. Being a kid with anxiety didn’t help the fact even that got worst over time. Honestly I really want to know. Please tell me how to please everyone. I want to make everyone else happy even if it makes me miserable. I don’t want to be selfish. I don’t want people to think that I care about myself over others. I don’t. I want everyone to be happy and be who they want me to be. The BIG problem is, is sometimes (I tend to do this a lot too) I loose myself in it all.  The pleasing everyone doesn’t work. Everyone wants different things out of you and honestly you can’t please everyone. I want to share this site with everyone I love so they know how I feel but that would be selfish I think. That wouldn’t be safe. Even though I want them to know what I’m thinking, about my lists, I want them and everyone to know how I feel. I am scared. I want them to know about the problems I have and feel safe about to talk about aren’t all that’s there , that honestly they are so much worst then how I have described. Some people I have trusted have turned on me saying that my problems aren’t real. I will not say this to be rude or selfish or in any way hostile. Everyone’s problems are real. The way you feel about them is different then the way someone else feel about them. Some people do take it out of proportion sometimes and want recondition for it. But if you have a problem then as someone I love once said to me “your pain is valid, I don’t care what it is, everyone’s pain is valid”. That is why I do not put my real name on here. That is why I don’t show this website that is like my own personal diary on the internet to the ones I love. I don’t want them to see my pain because they have pain of their own. I don’t want them to worry. I have tried to say who I am, to be who I am. I am trapped in between who I want to be and who others want me to be. Which leaves me with this. Do I turn on one persons back to be what someone else wants me to be? Where do I find myself and keep me here? Do I want to be good or bad? Can’t I just be in the middle somewhere for all these questions? What do I do? Sometimes it feels like I’ll honestly never figure it out.

I don’t know. I can’t even figure out my tags for this post there are so many, I’m sorry.

PG

I am a writer… I think

Sometimes I think a little to much which is strange because sometimes I sit there and it feels like I’m not thinking at all. It’s like my mind is a forever black hole, never ending. I read because it feels like I’m apart of something yet I’m not there I am just an overseer. This story that someone created that I get to make my own but then sends me back into the never ending spiral of what I am doing with my own life. I wish I was a writer but I can not write. But I am a writer who can not write, an artist who cannot create, who has a black canvas yet a million and one ideas exploding in my mind unable to be even fathomed by another. I take extraordinary photos to another but to me they seem not even good enough to be ordinary. I want to be a writer but I cannot write , but I can you see I am writing right now that you are reading and hopefully enjoying . My once little blog that I put my feelings on for the world to see was seen by no one but me. Now it is being viewed by people all over the world. I am a story teller because I have a million personalities that I created in my mind where one person could one side of me where another would never know that side existed. Where I create these not lies but adventures that I haven’t done yet to make myself seem more interesting but not for you, for me. I want to be loved by the people that are important to me. Would they like the real me probably not. I don’t even know the real me anymore it’s like one day I’m one person and then the next day it flips. I don’t want to choice just one I want to be all of them. I have even created a new self on my blog where I am everyone and no one at the same time under PG. The self I don’t want to let out yet. I am afraid but sometimes I don’t know what I am afraid of. It’s like my true self has gone missing. A writer is not someone who writes a book. Well it is but it’s so many other things. It can be an artist, a comidan, a scientist, and so many other things. For my English teachers through out the years who have graded my essays, papers, poems, etc. and said that “the concept was good” but still ended up giving me a 60% with a “nice work try harder next time”, where I put my heart into my work and was never good enough. I frown upon you, yes my grammar is not superb and my sentence structure is lacking. It really doesn’t matter to me because I am and will be a writer and if they saw this today they would see how I’ve grown. I am a writer.

I hope

PG