Why being yourself isn’t an option

Be yourself, be yourself, be yourself. From the time you are born you are told to be yourself fully and everyone will love you. Right? No. People don’t want yourself they want you to be what they think is right. No you can’t wear that, or do this, or hang out with that person cause then you’re wrong. You don’t fit their image. But the real question is do you let these people shape you? DO you listen to what they think is right? Do you let them tear you down? If these people are your friends than they will be there for you. They are projecting on how their life sucks. Honestly if you are happy with yourself don’t even worry about those people because why should they get to be in your life? You should try to be yourself always. Obviously don’t be a awful person and think it’s okay to be mean to someone cause then that doesn’t make you any better. I honestly don’t know what to do because that’s my whole life. I haven’t figured it out yet. I have always thought that everyone is equal. I always believed that I could be myself and no one would tear me down for that. I was wrong. I have been in a war, a shit storm that has not stopped and I just want everything to stop in time. Like I could choose the good things and get rid of the bad. Everyone sees things in their own perspective so maybe you think their life is amazing but they struggle with things too. Your life is not as bad as you think there will always be something worst. I am not alone. I may think I am but I have at least one person who is there for me always. I believe that even writing this I am not alone because I have myself. I may not like myself but I will learn to in time. Don’t let people get you down.

I will live another day,

PG

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Gone

Sorry for my absence. Life has kinda picked me up and drop kicked me across time. The summer when I was away was the happiest and the least anxious I have ever been in years and I loved every minute of it. Don’t you love when you’re a comfortable place in your life and then it just all seems to turn around. Like you were happy and the world just went SIKE nope. Basically I’ll give you the rundown. School started…. yay high schools, people I don’t like, work I don’t want to do, and stress I can’t handle. Well anyway it started and that weekend there was a big party to kick off school starting (here’s where it gets bad). I’ll just skip what happened and just go with the girl I hate with a burning passion told the entire school and my reputation was tainted. So for the past month I have been spending my time either at home doing my college work (yes I’m in college too) or hiding from people who make fun of me in the handicap stall in the girls bathroom (sitting on the floor doing work). My teachers also know what happen and how awful high school can be so they let me. The next Monday was the day my best friend for the last ten years left for the navy (basically leaving me here to deal with everything alone). Not even two days later my dog dies (my other best friend for the past ten years). The next day my computer gets a virus ( I hadn’t even had it for a week ) making me unable to turn in my first photography class assignment, making it late. So the shit storm basically took off. I believe my shit storm has been worst than Irma, destroying all my friendships and life but at least it’s just affecting me and not all of Florida. I haven’t posted on my blog, not because I haven’t been able to write but I haven’t been able to post anything I have written. Since all of this has happened to me lately all of my self confidence and the last little bit of my will to live is honestly fading more and more lately. I’m sorry for not writing to you guys lately I will try to write more even though not many read what I put but it still helps me I guess.

Sorry, I missed this

P.G.

What am I going to do with my life?

Yes that’s right friends. I am a senior year of high school. I still have no idea what I am doing with my life. My passion is photography. My first ever college photography is tomorrow and I am shaking for how nervous I am. I honestly don’t know what building to go to or if I have all the stuff I need. Basically freaking out. In my high school carrer I have been ready to leave but now I don’t know what I want to do with my life. Like….

  • Where should I go for school?
  • Do I have the money for that (no) ?
  • What do I actually want to do with my life????? (important one)

I kind of want to go into musical studies. How do you become a producer??? Cause that would be awesome. Like a band promoter? I want to do photography or maybe a writer. I already do this and it isn’t that bad. Am I honestly that bad at it? Maybe I could create webpages like this one. I think mine looks pretty good…. I really don’t know what I want to do is that bad? I really don’t know but at the moment I’m looking at schools I could go to and making a list of creative ways to kill myself…. I don’t think I’ll post that. Time is running out for me people. What do I do??

PG

Daily Routine

  • Wake up after sleeping for twelve and a half hours (or even worst three hours)
  • Go through social media for an hour
  • Turn on music
  • Walk to the bathroom feeling my stomach turn
  • Brush all the knots out of my impossible untamed hair
  • Put hair into ponytail
  • Wash face
  • Look in the mirror and tell yourself that it’s going to be a good day (if you don’t then it will undoubtedly be a bad one)
  • Brush teeth
  • Take down hair and put it in front of your face so no one has to see your acne scars
  • Weigh yourself (still to much)
  • Go back to room
  • Put on clothes for the day
  • Change
  • Change again
  • Transfer playlist from playing on computer to phone and put in headphones
  • Go to kitchen and grab a hand full of grapes (if you don’t have grapes you are allowed half a banana)
  • Feed dog
  • Start to walk to school dreading every step along the way
  • Over think every minute it takes you before you get to the school
  • Turn music up so loud you can barley hear yourself over think everything that will happen today
  • Go into bathroom at school and look in the mirror to remind yourself to breath and that you will make it through the day
  • Breathe
  • Start to walk down the halls when you see your “friends” who of course have something to say
  • Remember that they are always just joking and you need to joke back or they will know that you are being destroyed inside (no one can know)
  • Smile so no one can see your pain
  • Hang out with even more people so you must be happy with all these “friends” you can talk to
  • Try to pay attention in class even though your mind will not stop about what is going on around you
  • Stop shaking because people will see your fear and think you’re a freak
  • You are a freak
  • Try to talk to the guy you want to talk to more than anyone
  • He only sees you as another friend and leaves you to go talk to other friends (more important than you of course)
  • Lunch you can only eat small amounts or nothing at all (unless you are with friends because they will notice you not eating)
  • Since you are a senior try to talk to some of the new freshmen and not freeze up
  • Smile (you are prettier when you smile)
  • Freaks don’t smile
  •  Breathe. You need to breathe.
  • Answer your snap chat streaks (those are important)
  • Try to talk to him again (same result)
  • Walk home tired and discussing, overthinking everything that happened today
  • Get ready for work
  • Go to work (sit, read, basically pointless job stuff that you have to do)
  • Go home
  • Check the mail
  • Go inside
  • Make yourself dinner ( a lot of dinner ) You are allowed to eat.
  •  Go out and go for a bike ride on Leroy (don’t forget your backpack)
  • Cycle till you can’t breathe and the heat feels like it inhales you
  • Go on a swing to breathe again
  • Breathe, really breathe
  • Smoke. Just a little. Just to take the edge off. Just to be a little okay again.
  • Ride home
  • Take a shower, putting music on as loud as possible (singing along because you love your voice and no one can hear you).
  • Look in the mirror (you look better.. skinnier)
  • Try to avoid parents as much as possible
  • Try texting someone? (so you won’t be so lonely)
  • Little to no answers
  • Feed the dog
  • Paint in your closet (it’s bigger than your room but not many people know that)
  • Maybe write something in your blog that no one knows you have
  • Try to go to sleep
  • Count your breathes as you try to sleep
  • Freak…
  • Can’t sleep
  • Wake up and read a book
  • Check phone for answers (none)
  • Go back to sleep.

Repeat.

 

I am a writer… I think

Sometimes I think a little to much which is strange because sometimes I sit there and it feels like I’m not thinking at all. It’s like my mind is a forever black hole, never ending. I read because it feels like I’m apart of something yet I’m not there I am just an overseer. This story that someone created that I get to make my own but then sends me back into the never ending spiral of what I am doing with my own life. I wish I was a writer but I can not write. But I am a writer who can not write, an artist who cannot create, who has a black canvas yet a million and one ideas exploding in my mind unable to be even fathomed by another. I take extraordinary photos to another but to me they seem not even good enough to be ordinary. I want to be a writer but I cannot write , but I can you see I am writing right now that you are reading and hopefully enjoying . My once little blog that I put my feelings on for the world to see was seen by no one but me. Now it is being viewed by people all over the world. I am a story teller because I have a million personalities that I created in my mind where one person could one side of me where another would never know that side existed. Where I create these not lies but adventures that I haven’t done yet to make myself seem more interesting but not for you, for me. I want to be loved by the people that are important to me. Would they like the real me probably not. I don’t even know the real me anymore it’s like one day I’m one person and then the next day it flips. I don’t want to choice just one I want to be all of them. I have even created a new self on my blog where I am everyone and no one at the same time under PG. The self I don’t want to let out yet. I am afraid but sometimes I don’t know what I am afraid of. It’s like my true self has gone missing. A writer is not someone who writes a book. Well it is but it’s so many other things. It can be an artist, a comidan, a scientist, and so many other things. For my English teachers through out the years who have graded my essays, papers, poems, etc. and said that “the concept was good” but still ended up giving me a 60% with a “nice work try harder next time”, where I put my heart into my work and was never good enough. I frown upon you, yes my grammar is not superb and my sentence structure is lacking. It really doesn’t matter to me because I am and will be a writer and if they saw this today they would see how I’ve grown. I am a writer.

I hope

PG

How do I relationship?

Wow another relatable topic that includes my anxiety and lack of social skills. Guess what guys I’m back from across the pond. Not only is it 10 degrees hotter but a lot harder than I thought to adjust to my home then it was to my home away from home. Yet again I have been screwed over by someone of the male gender and feeling betrayed for trusting them. How are relationships so hard for me. I can’t be the only one with this comment. It’s just so difficult to comit to something because of this fear that they will do exactly what the last one that I trusted did. This has left me stuck thinking about what is wrong with me. Another way I feel useless in this   abyss of life. My final year of high school and first year of college begins I feel alone in this adventure. But why does this need for a relationship feel so important to me. Society has always built up this need for females like myself that they need a man to function. Do I? That is what I am really not sure of. Heck I love my friends and they support me through all I do but it feels like there is a level of love that I am missing out on in life. The fear of being cheated on by another. Life is a path of which you choice your own. To most that would not make since of what I mean but it is to say that I have made it this far without someone on my path. You make your own choices. Good luck on yours and wish me luck on mine .

PG

Still on vaca?

Yes that’s right my vacation sanity is still going…. not as strong as I’d like it to be but I still haven’t killed anyone. This is amazing because I’m staying with family …. with a new born ish baby and I get little to no sleep with crying and screaming at 4 am . But I have relized in all of this annoyance with my loving family that I have not written about my thought provoking life for my millions of maybe 5 fans and I figured that you guys missed me. Here’s a small tidbit about how my life is going in my wonderful weeks across seas. Not one but three of my cousins have new children that are all barley 3 months apart so every house I stay in there is a child. Compared to the rest of my twenty cousins live in the one place my parents will not let me go because of the greatest thing ever. Fear. Not only am I an adolescent I am also a female. So every time I walk out the door they feel there will be a new attacker trying to murder me. I have to be escorted by my cousin who is only a year older than me but because he is male I will be safe. Only bad part is he sort of kind of hates me so the chances of me getting out of the house is basically impossible. Don’t worry I will be back home soon enough and you will get to read about my awful life. Have a great life. May all your days be bright and quiet.

PG.