What am I going to do with my life?

Yes that’s right friends. I am a senior year of high school. I still have no idea what I am doing with my life. My passion is photography. My first ever college photography is tomorrow and I am shaking for how nervous I am. I honestly don’t know what building to go to or if I have all the stuff I need. Basically freaking out. In my high school carrer I have been ready to leave but now I don’t know what I want to do with my life. Like….

  • Where should I go for school?
  • Do I have the money for that (no) ?
  • What do I actually want to do with my life????? (important one)

I kind of want to go into musical studies. How do you become a producer??? Cause that would be awesome. Like a band promoter? I want to do photography or maybe a writer. I already do this and it isn’t that bad. Am I honestly that bad at it? Maybe I could create webpages like this one. I think mine looks pretty good…. I really don’t know what I want to do is that bad? I really don’t know but at the moment I’m looking at schools I could go to and making a list of creative ways to kill myself…. I don’t think I’ll post that. Time is running out for me people. What do I do??

PG

Daily Routine

  • Wake up after sleeping for twelve and a half hours (or even worst three hours)
  • Go through social media for an hour
  • Turn on music
  • Walk to the bathroom feeling my stomach turn
  • Brush all the knots out of my impossible untamed hair
  • Put hair into ponytail
  • Wash face
  • Look in the mirror and tell yourself that it’s going to be a good day (if you don’t then it will undoubtedly be a bad one)
  • Brush teeth
  • Take down hair and put it in front of your face so no one has to see your acne scars
  • Weigh yourself (still to much)
  • Go back to room
  • Put on clothes for the day
  • Change
  • Change again
  • Transfer playlist from playing on computer to phone and put in headphones
  • Go to kitchen and grab a hand full of grapes (if you don’t have grapes you are allowed half a banana)
  • Feed dog
  • Start to walk to school dreading every step along the way
  • Over think every minute it takes you before you get to the school
  • Turn music up so loud you can barley hear yourself over think everything that will happen today
  • Go into bathroom at school and look in the mirror to remind yourself to breath and that you will make it through the day
  • Breathe
  • Start to walk down the halls when you see your “friends” who of course have something to say
  • Remember that they are always just joking and you need to joke back or they will know that you are being destroyed inside (no one can know)
  • Smile so no one can see your pain
  • Hang out with even more people so you must be happy with all these “friends” you can talk to
  • Try to pay attention in class even though your mind will not stop about what is going on around you
  • Stop shaking because people will see your fear and think you’re a freak
  • You are a freak
  • Try to talk to the guy you want to talk to more than anyone
  • He only sees you as another friend and leaves you to go talk to other friends (more important than you of course)
  • Lunch you can only eat small amounts or nothing at all (unless you are with friends because they will notice you not eating)
  • Since you are a senior try to talk to some of the new freshmen and not freeze up
  • Smile (you are prettier when you smile)
  • Freaks don’t smile
  •  Breathe. You need to breathe.
  • Answer your snap chat streaks (those are important)
  • Try to talk to him again (same result)
  • Walk home tired and discussing, overthinking everything that happened today
  • Get ready for work
  • Go to work (sit, read, basically pointless job stuff that you have to do)
  • Go home
  • Check the mail
  • Go inside
  • Make yourself dinner ( a lot of dinner ) You are allowed to eat.
  •  Go out and go for a bike ride on Leroy (don’t forget your backpack)
  • Cycle till you can’t breathe and the heat feels like it inhales you
  • Go on a swing to breathe again
  • Breathe, really breathe
  • Smoke. Just a little. Just to take the edge off. Just to be a little okay again.
  • Ride home
  • Take a shower, putting music on as loud as possible (singing along because you love your voice and no one can hear you).
  • Look in the mirror (you look better.. skinnier)
  • Try to avoid parents as much as possible
  • Try texting someone? (so you won’t be so lonely)
  • Little to no answers
  • Feed the dog
  • Paint in your closet (it’s bigger than your room but not many people know that)
  • Maybe write something in your blog that no one knows you have
  • Try to go to sleep
  • Count your breathes as you try to sleep
  • Freak…
  • Can’t sleep
  • Wake up and read a book
  • Check phone for answers (none)
  • Go back to sleep.

Repeat.

 

I am a writer… I think

Sometimes I think a little to much which is strange because sometimes I sit there and it feels like I’m not thinking at all. It’s like my mind is a forever black hole, never ending. I read because it feels like I’m apart of something yet I’m not there I am just an overseer. This story that someone created that I get to make my own but then sends me back into the never ending spiral of what I am doing with my own life. I wish I was a writer but I can not write. But I am a writer who can not write, an artist who cannot create, who has a black canvas yet a million and one ideas exploding in my mind unable to be even fathomed by another. I take extraordinary photos to another but to me they seem not even good enough to be ordinary. I want to be a writer but I cannot write , but I can you see I am writing right now that you are reading and hopefully enjoying . My once little blog that I put my feelings on for the world to see was seen by no one but me. Now it is being viewed by people all over the world. I am a story teller because I have a million personalities that I created in my mind where one person could one side of me where another would never know that side existed. Where I create these not lies but adventures that I haven’t done yet to make myself seem more interesting but not for you, for me. I want to be loved by the people that are important to me. Would they like the real me probably not. I don’t even know the real me anymore it’s like one day I’m one person and then the next day it flips. I don’t want to choice just one I want to be all of them. I have even created a new self on my blog where I am everyone and no one at the same time under PG. The self I don’t want to let out yet. I am afraid but sometimes I don’t know what I am afraid of. It’s like my true self has gone missing. A writer is not someone who writes a book. Well it is but it’s so many other things. It can be an artist, a comidan, a scientist, and so many other things. For my English teachers through out the years who have graded my essays, papers, poems, etc. and said that “the concept was good” but still ended up giving me a 60% with a “nice work try harder next time”, where I put my heart into my work and was never good enough. I frown upon you, yes my grammar is not superb and my sentence structure is lacking. It really doesn’t matter to me because I am and will be a writer and if they saw this today they would see how I’ve grown. I am a writer.

I hope

PG

How do I relationship?

Wow another relatable topic that includes my anxiety and lack of social skills. Guess what guys I’m back from across the pond. Not only is it 10 degrees hotter but a lot harder than I thought to adjust to my home then it was to my home away from home. Yet again I have been screwed over by someone of the male gender and feeling betrayed for trusting them. How are relationships so hard for me. I can’t be the only one with this comment. It’s just so difficult to comit to something because of this fear that they will do exactly what the last one that I trusted did. This has left me stuck thinking about what is wrong with me. Another way I feel useless in this   abyss of life. My final year of high school and first year of college begins I feel alone in this adventure. But why does this need for a relationship feel so important to me. Society has always built up this need for females like myself that they need a man to function. Do I? That is what I am really not sure of. Heck I love my friends and they support me through all I do but it feels like there is a level of love that I am missing out on in life. The fear of being cheated on by another. Life is a path of which you choice your own. To most that would not make since of what I mean but it is to say that I have made it this far without someone on my path. You make your own choices. Good luck on yours and wish me luck on mine .

PG

Still on vaca?

Yes that’s right my vacation sanity is still going…. not as strong as I’d like it to be but I still haven’t killed anyone. This is amazing because I’m staying with family …. with a new born ish baby and I get little to no sleep with crying and screaming at 4 am . But I have relized in all of this annoyance with my loving family that I have not written about my thought provoking life for my millions of maybe 5 fans and I figured that you guys missed me. Here’s a small tidbit about how my life is going in my wonderful weeks across seas. Not one but three of my cousins have new children that are all barley 3 months apart so every house I stay in there is a child. Compared to the rest of my twenty cousins live in the one place my parents will not let me go because of the greatest thing ever. Fear. Not only am I an adolescent I am also a female. So every time I walk out the door they feel there will be a new attacker trying to murder me. I have to be escorted by my cousin who is only a year older than me but because he is male I will be safe. Only bad part is he sort of kind of hates me so the chances of me getting out of the house is basically impossible. Don’t worry I will be back home soon enough and you will get to read about my awful life. Have a great life. May all your days be bright and quiet.

PG.

Vacation sanity

So I’m on vacation to see family. My dad is an from another country so it’s not like we drove a couple of hours to go to another state or a town a couple miles away. No. I was on planes for hours. Now I am in another country that I have been to hundreds of times for the month. A month. I’m going to probably go insane. My family is full of hypocrites. They don’t believe in anything I do. They don’t believe in being bi, or trans, or more than two genders, or anything past L and G on the scale really. I’m staying with my cousin and her child who screams through out the night and day. She is only 8 months mind you but still I’m losing my mind. My depression is getting worst again. I was finally feeling better and then not even two days and I can’t handle it. My cousin is trying to play tour guide bringing me to places that I have no interest in and that I’ve been to before and very familiar with. I can’t get a moment to myself , to just think ya know, to just be happy. Even worst my anxiety is killing me unable to talk to anyone I am uncomfortable with. I walked into a shop today and I couldn’t ask a question. I’d open my mouth and there would be no words forming. I just want to get out. Get away from my family. Please. I can’t play babysitter, tourist, family punching bag. I am tired of it. I can’t answer questions to family members more than two words because of fear of what I would say. I miss my friends so much. They gave me confidence that I am now lacking. I have no one here my age, no friends to talk to. I am sad. Like being stuck in a black hole, falling and it never ending just getting worst. I am sorry about the rant but I had to talk to someone or multiple someone’s and rant. For my sanity. What do I do? I’m giving up and 28 days left.

Sorry and thanks

PG

Rock solid

I am not a toothpick. Growing up it feels like I am a rock. Growing up I have always been bigger than my friends. Not as in fat I was actually quite skinny but they were always skinnier. That feeling has always and still their when your friend says “oh you should try this on” but you know it won’t fit and they know it won’t fit but they say it anyways. Every time I walk into forever 21 and knowing that even my best friend an extra small normally at a height of 5″0 and 100 pounds wears a medium. Where you at a height of 5″10 and seen as “curvy” could never fit in anything. Because you have a little bit of a “muffin top” and broad shoulders. Girls that are able to shop at forever 21 are little they are skinny and short. Dresses are like shirts for anyone over 5″6. But I digress. I have always been the biggest, Not the tallest, Just the biggest. I am not unhealthy, in basketball I could outrun anyone and I was an amazing at any position in soccer. But I am strong. I can keep up with the boys when moving furniture. While my best friend can’t carry a 40 pound bag so I do it for her. Shopping is terrifying experience for me because of my curves (fear of my own body). Pants are the worst because my waist is a 7 but my butt can range from a 8-10 so nothing fits ever and with my strange build shirts do not fall or fit the way I want them to. Where skinny friends can fit in anything and look cute, where somethings just fit me differently. They are jealous of my curvy figure and I am jealous their lack of such. They say want girls that are “thick”. That is rarely true. They don’t want a real girl they want a girl with a 3 inch waist who makes her butt look bigger through photoshop and the bathroom sink during a mirror selfie. For the whole “oh well if you just work out and eat right” i do believe me I spend an hour and a half working out almost everyday and I eat healthy. Where some of my friends can eat whatever and whenever and still stay a size zero. In it all I just want to cry. It’s just a lack of confidence I say to myself to reassure myself and make me keep trying . In the end I just have to be okay with it. I was not born to be a tooth pick. I am a rock.

 

Thanks for listening

PG