At night everything changes. When the sun goes down it’s like our true selves come out or at least the sad version of all our feelings. In dark or light no one can see into my body or mind. They can’t see how heavy my heart is or that constant stabbing my stomach feels as I breath, move, or think. No one can hear my screams. In the darkness my tears poor out into the silence of my pillow and they just keep flowing like Niagara Falls until right before the sun comes up where I turn off the tears for the day and put on my happy face. I can’t give anyone my baggage because I know they have their own to deal with. How do I know this? because I help carry it. I am like a bellhop who has all of my own baggage to carry that no one see, but still helps bring everyone else’s to their room (no tip). Carrying their bags for as far as I am able helps me forget the weight of my own, detracting me for a second. But then I remember them. My tears feel like glass against my face, my stomach always tied in knots. There’s something about the pain. No one else sees it or feels it, I won’t let them. People don’t realize that words hurt most of all as I try to laugh off their insults as they stab into my scarred skin, cutting deeper and deeper. Not knowing that they are tearing me apart, not knowing that I am already tearing myself apart piece by piece. My pain is mine to keep. In this battle field of me against myself and the world, I will not let others get trapped in my fight. I try to not let them see the tears anymore. The last time I let someone see my wounds they did not join my battle but just add to it, ridiculing me. People around me see the tears less and less thinking that I am getting better as I cover my emotional scars because I’m not getting better, I’m getting worst I just won’t let them see. Every muscle in my body in pain but no one sees how hard I work to do anything. No one will let me be happy when all I am trying to do is make them happy. Life is a battle field and I’m fighting alone.
I am a garbage person. Hear me out. I am a garbage person to most people to their faces. Why is this? Because I don’t lie about certain things and if people know what I will say to their face they think I talk trash behind their backs. This is not the case. I am a garbage person because I am not afraid to make jokes about the bad but I am afraid to tell them the good things about themselves. Behind your back I talk about how amazing you are in my eyes, about how funny, smart, etc you are. The thing is I have secrets. Keeping these secrets and not telling my close friends makes me a garbage person. I am a garbage person because I will stand up to someone and tell them how I feel about something in a minute because I feel entitled to my opinion. I am a garbage person because I like to remind people about how their lives will get better and be brighter in the future but I do it anonymously because if I didn’t people would think I’m being sarcastic. I am a garbage person because I am nicer to you online then in person because I don’t know what to say because I have problems deeper than you know. I have things I won’t tell you because I would rather keep them burrowing into my soul then to ever feel like I am a burden. I push others who want to be close to me away because so many in the past I have told a small portion of my problems to them and they leave just like I knew you would. I am a garbage person because you don’t understand me. I know I left your life making you hate me and you saying I am a garbage person, I want you to know I still care about you. I know I am a garbage person but sometimes I feel like I’m not. So here is your letter. You will never read or see, that no one we know may ever see. I’m sorry.
To my sister who I am not related to, I love you more than anything in the entire world. The person who I am most attached to and when you go off to college I will be broken inside for those first few days, weeks, months, but I will soon get over because I know it is the best place for you. Our lives have always been together. The girl whose mom calls me her sister as I leave their house in the morning for the sixth day in a row to go to back to my own. That her mother is surprised when she comes home without me. My parents know you are missing and ask if we have had a falling out just because they didn’t see you more than once in one day. I hope we are never split up for too long because I will be driving that four hour long car ride every weekend to come see you because I know how hard it will be to be without you. Knowing we won’t be together for all time but still sad to realize that it is happening so quickly. We are connected by memories. I love you.
To the boy I think I love, I will not wait for you. I know you think I am standing around waiting for you to be done with her and maybe at one point I was but not anymore. Sometimes people don’t end up together and I am glad we are friends. You are more important than you know to me. You will go farther than you think but I believe in you and know you will do great things.
To my parents, I know I’m not what you expected. I know you are scared I will be as wild as you both were growing up and are trying to tie me down so I won’t be. I must make mistakes to live on my own and do what I love. I have done so much more than you know but I have still not lived. My biggest dream is to be like both of you. That may scare you but I plan on living every moment to the fullest.
To my family, I am not like you. I am not as smart, dedicated, outgoing, beautiful, perfect as any of you. I have still looked up to each and everyone one of you knowing I would never be the same but hoping one day you would all be proud of me even though I may not believe in what you believe or support different things we are still blood.
To the family I created for myself, you are all so important to me. Obviously because you are family. Without you I wouldn’t be myself. I have made so many memories with all of you and I don’t think you know how grateful I am.
To all of my friends, I think you under estimate yourselves because I see you doing great things and changing the world.
To my teachers who changed my life, you are a support system who changed my life and I also see you like family but I had to say this separately so you knew.
To the people I hate, who made me hate myself, I don’t love you and I hated you once but no more. Someone said to me once that “hate is an extreme love” and that “you don’t hate someone you never once cared for”. I have stopped hating you because I no longer care for you in anyway. That gives you power. Toward you there is nothing but blank emotion if any emotion at all.
Finally to myself, don’t give up or ever let anyone get you down because you are better than that. Do what you want and what you love. If you don’t make mistakes then how will you ever learn.
When I die I want all of these people to come together. You each know a different part of me and maybe one day I hope you will all get together and put those parts together piece by piece what you learn may surprise you.
I am not going to kill myself because I have so mush more of a life left to live.
But this needed to be said.
I have a list that I haven’t released. As most of you know I make lists of everything in my life because for some odd reason I have to. My list I haven’t released is probably to some the scariest to even think that it goes through my head. This list is called the ways I would kill myself list. It’s saved in my computer (yes I’ve even written it down), I have gone and looked at it almost everyday. Don’t be alarmed I will most likely never do it. I am too rational to be reckless. I had to write my list down so it would finally leave my head and I look at it to remind me the place I was in, or haven’t yet gotten out of. It is in all ways a good reminder that I am here for a reason and when I look at the list I remember that. Why am I saying this on the internet? Well I felt I was lying to you all about things that happen. I feel the media doesn’t portray certain views well and people should know that there are people that are going through the same things, maybe even worst that they did research and wrote a list. But I can tell you that it has shown me a light at the end of the tunnel of it all. I realize that even though I am not happy that I don’t need to make others miserable too, they deserve to be happier. Maybe one day I will post my list but for now I am still writing it. But to make you feel better I am also making a list of things that can be short term tips to being happy. I may post that one day too.
Thank you for reading this and I hope your day was good.
Real friends don’t lie. Probably one of the things I have seen and heard a million times. I’ve gotten in so much trouble for that statement. “Real friends don’t lie to each other”, hearing it over and over again as I proceed to lie to everyone I love about various different things. But that is bullshit (mind my language), real friends lie. Everyone lies. That is just a normal thing to do. Not only about big things but also about stupid little things too. You lie to your parents so they don’t worry about you and you can still feel free. You lie to your friends to save their feelings for something you know they wouldn’t be able to handle. You lie to yourself to keep this idea of yourself that you are doing the right thing everyday to save face. There are billions of lies floating around in the air. Media tries to keep the fact that people are dying everyday by trying to distract you with the latest celebrity and their newest secret pregnancy or accidental leek of a sex tape. But we can’t get rid of these lies because where they are seen as wrong they also help. I am filled with lies but each one does not weigh me down. It may hold me back in some ways but when push comes to shove I would rather lie than hurt someone I love over something I could move past with no problems.
Maybe I’m a bad person, but don’t say you don’t lie.
Reading my title you may think this is about sex. It’s not. Sadly my dears I am not writing to you today about the type of relationships you may think. Even though I do suck with my more romantic affairs or lack there of today I am writing about the relationship you hold with a friend.
What makes a close friend?
Honestly I’m asking. Where I do have many friends or at least I think I do (I hope). I am really bad at determining which are close friends, best friends, just kinda friends, etc. We all know there is a universal scale of friendship which is never really spoken about you are just supposed to know about it I guess. You know the people you say are your friends even though you guys only kind of know or you still feel awkward around. Don’t lie we all have at least one. Those people that are friends but aren’t your best friend and then sometimes where you say they are your best friend knowing your best friend is someone else. What are you supposed to say to there face “oh no blank is my best friend”. No you play along because you guys are close you just aren’t the closest to them.
I just want to know how to determine the other persons feeling. How do I know if I’m close as I think I am with someone as I am or am not with them. How do I know who to pick out in a crowd and become friends with them? How do I really know if someone likes me or not? Honestly sometimes it seems like some of the people I’m closest with aren’t really as close as I want them to be and I don’t know how to change that or really if I want to change that. One of my closest friends was back in town for days without telling me until the day before she left. What does that mean? I’m so scared of when my best friend leaves for college (because she’s a year older), what will happen to our friendship. She is moving hours away. Even scarier I leave for college next year which is even farther. We do everything together ever since we were little kids. I know this whole rant sound childish. Most of my rants do. I’m just a little scared. Who am I kidding a lot scared.
We’ll see what happens once the next chapter comes I guess.
Logging off for tonight,
When I look at myself in the mirror I see a lion. Not because I am strong or fierce because my hair is huge. My moms hair was thick and frizzy, where my dads hair was so curly you could pull it and it would retract like a spring. Mine is a mixture. In the south it is so humid you can feel the water floating in the air as you walk, making my hair puff up like a lion. My hair is such a mixture of this curl and frizz that it is basically not tamable which honestly reflects a lot of my personality.
My body is like a geode. Not much to look at on the outside to the untrained eye but inside is an unbelievable sight. With every crack on the surface a little bit of beauty seeps through. As I get older and my geode grows I feel more confident with my layers underneath. Still afraid of people not seeing what I am worth but even more afraid of who finally cracks me all the way open for the world to see, never being able to go back to my once hidden form.
My heart is a puzzle box. Each twist and turn you hope you will get farther into what I am feeling but no one has ever made it all the way through. Not even me. On the inside I like to think that inside of that box is a diamond. Unbreakable. Something that over time can cut through the toughest exterior that is any other person that I meet. A prism that when you put it up to the light it refracts it and makes a rainbow into the air.
My mind is a tree. Once a small sapling but now a huge marvelous sight. Something that will never stop growing new ideas. Gaining wisdom in it’s rings, branches reaching high into the clouds, but is still rooted safely in the ground. Others dependent off its resources. No matter how many people try to come in and knock it down to build a parking lot like they did to so many others. People fight to keep it there because they see its importance. A place to go and just chill during the day and read, draw, just relax, somewhere to go to think. Even in the worst storms will not be taken.
What I see in my reflection is so much more than a figure it is a puzzle of many different factors. All of these things are me.
Corny as always,