My heart in the abyss

My life is under a fake name so no one will find out my struggle. How often I want to send out this blog to the people I love so they can see it but I won’t because they might see a side of me they have never seen, something they don’t like. The part of me that is deep, caring, intelligent. The part I don’t want to let out in fear. The goofy kid doesn’t always make it the farthest in life but they have the most “friends”. You know not the friends who truly care about them but the friends that laugh at them, not always with them, just at them. I am okay with being that kid most of the time. One of the things said about me that I hate is “of course *insert my name* likes the person that everyone else hates”. This is because I hate that they see this as an insult and not a compliment. Sorry I want to find the good in people who sometimes do things wrong I would hope if I slipped up people would do the same for me. I am not afraid of seeing the good in people I am afraid of not being able to see the bad. I trust many who have hurt others and myself and then began to be friends with them. I do not always see the toxic that others feel is there. I feel everyone has a good side. Also there is a very big difference between me liking someone and being civil towards them. I will talk to whoever wants to hold a conversation, I like to see them smile and laugh like anyone else. I love the words that anyone holds that could potentially make someone else happy. This does not mean they are my friend but an acquaintance. Are you friends with someone in a movie or a singer with your favorite song or even a news caster with views you don’t agree on? No but you still listen to what they have to say and have an option on it. I want the world to prove me wrong that even the worst people have a good side. That the murders did it because they were protecting their families, that the politicians are fighting for a cause they believe could help the world not just their bank accounts, that even the most toxic people volunteer on weekends helping others because they feel it’s good to help someone in need. I want a bright side.  Sometimes it feels like I need a blanket for my heart to keep it warm because in a world going through global warming it people seem to be getting colder and colder everyday.  I am more than just one thing. I am can be goofy, smart, caring, wild. I will make it somewhere. One day I will say my real name. Someday I will feel comfortable enough to come out of the dark hole I hide in, but if you decide to come in and look in that black abyss, don’t be scared follow the faint speck of light that is my heart and you will find me. The problem with my abyss is it is always open just no one looks inside or once they do they don’t like what they see and leave. My abyss is open to walk in and out of my life. I can’t close it even though I wish I could lock in it a million boxes with codes so no one could get in, so no one could hurt me again. I guess enter as you please, all are welcome, please wipe your feet and try not to walk all over me. I will try my best to be everything you want.

Thank you for reading my fears



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