more than you think

I used to be afraid of showing people who I really am. I think everyone is. Everyone has those friends that they feel knows the real them, that gets that you have those little corks and problems that normal really wouldn’t understand. I had them too. For some reason I was so comfortable with these people letting them in and not ever feeling like I was annoying them or making them feel uncomfortable taking about my problems or my little freak outs. They were just there for me. Over time my anxiety has gotten worst and better all at the same time. I was more comfortable taking about it to these select people and telling them how I felt and I was happy with them being really my best friends. Now I have lost them. I am not saying that there aren’t people who will just leave, well there are, but that’s beside the point. I really don’t remember the point of writing this now that I am actually. I just am recalling a memory. I saw a picture of that person who was my closest friend at one point. Like I could tell her almost anything. Then I realized that those corks that I told her about that I thought she understood, she hated them all, it felt like she hated me and I really still think she does. That close guy friend who means the world to me basically comes and goes as he pleases knowing I will always be there for him (story for another time believe me). My closest friends at one point in time I do not speak to in fear. Now I am alone freaking out inside at this very moment feeling as if I have absolutely no one to talk to and I don’t know what to do. You can’t see my panic though. I can explain it and you still will not 100% understand it. I think that is what people don’t understand sometimes is even if they have been through it and understand the pain they still do not feel it, at least not the way you do. So if anyone confides in you, you can really only sympathize with them because everyone feels things a different way. Over the years I have been filled with hate, hey even now you could say that I still am, but I also think that I have learned from this hate in all forms has changed me and that without it I would not have the love for people I have now. I want to love everyone and have them know that there is always someone there for them even if I feel there is no one there for me sometimes. If you feel you have no one to go to come to me I beg you because no one deserves that feeling of being alone with no one because they are afraid of being judged. Fear is something I hate, something I am filled to the brim with, but even though I am filled with it I never want someone else to be. I want everyone to feel loved because I know (not the exact feeling but something like it) that it royally sucks to feel alone or that everyone hates you or is judging you. I know what it feels like to want to ask someone something and feel you have no one to ask, that you did but you lost them somehow and still want to ask them but feel that you can’t. Just remind yourself a brighter day is coming. There could be a million rainy days and one or two sunny ones but believe me you will remember all the sunny ones over the rainy ones (if that makes sense).

Love

P.G.

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