Who am I?

Hey there been a while huh. It’s finals time here in college and I want death. What makes it even better is that I’m also in high school at the same time so it hits me double. How do I do this may you wonder and the answer is I have no possible way to explain it. My mid life crisis of the week that consumes my entire being of self is as the following states. How the hell am I supposed to be myself yet the entire world then pushes me back down in the process. Think about it. You are told from the time you are old enough to remember that you should always be yourself and no one will judge you because you are perfect the way you are. At the same time people are judging you on how you look, act, and every other possible way they really can think of what is wrong with you. So what do you do, you become this whole new person so you hope to be accepted in some way and don’t lie to me because everyone does in some way shape or form. It’s just natural. Everyone you know is going to judge you. Your parents may say “oh honey everyone will love you just the way you are” but at the same time they are telling you “don’t wear that you look like a bum” and “sit up straight, you’re a lady, you were not raised in a barn”. Like JESUS CHRIST MAKE UP YOUR MIND. I can’t be original and then put into this box. Hey I’m just as fake as the next person because I may be comfortable in a tank top and baggy jeans with a rip in them but I only wear that sometimes. Sometimes I have to wear a dress or really short shorts and a giant t-shirt cause that’s just what girls my age do. Am I entirely comfortable with this, no, but I will precede to do it, most defiantly.  You know what happens if I don’t. If I don’t “dress like a girl” or “hang out with girls” then I am alone. The girls don’t see me as one of them or I am just some loner bitch. The guys see me as some dyke or basically a boy. This means I can’t get a boyfriend because they all see me as a guy and they don’t want to get picked on for being gay. OH JOY. There’s that problem again… GAY.. Scary word huh. I hate it. I am not gay we have been over this. I honestly don’t know what I am but this problem of me not being able to get a boyfriend because I am half trying to be myself and the other half trying to fit into in my mind called the “please don’t act like I’m a boy” group. I’m tired of it. I can’t be in the group cause I don’t have a dick. Oh yeah I said it. DICK. PENIS. Deal with it. At the same time I am a boy and oh no I can’t be sure you’re a girl jokes never get old. My whole life people have mistaken me for a boy. Which always kind of bothered me but I brushed it off. You know I understood it and kind of liked it some times. I hung out with mostly boys as I still do, I play sports, skateboard, do things that are predominantly male. BUT I AM A FEMALE. Now it’s kind of getting to me cause hey if I was GAY then a lot of my guy friends wouldn’t talk to me. If I was trans we wouldn’t be friends either. LIKE WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK MAN. You don’t like me cause I’m a dude and if any other guy did then they’d be gay but god forbid I like girls. WOULDN’T THAT MAKE ME STRAIGHT. WHERE IS THE LOGIC. Even worst is I can’t hang out with many girls who are to into girly things because I like guy things. They see me as either a guy or a slut for always hanging around guys. It’s all based off biology which obviously has screwed me over. These labels life have given me have screwed me up. Honestly. Who am I supposed to be. Just tell me. I can’t be myself because honestly it is not working. So why do they tell you this growing up. I know after a while you stop caring what people think of you. But that’s when your whole life is put together and you don’t need people approval. Believe me I don’t. Most of the time. But I can’t make this perfect stereotype life if I don’t make it past 17. Please tell why this is how the world works. Why people were made hateful and scared. Why people are sexist, racist, homophobic,etc. Why it’s bad for me a little white girl to support black lives matter or call myself a feminist or believe that everyone should have equal rights. Because I used to believe that I could save the world but at this point sometimes I think that these people are beyond saving. I might not be the one able to help them. They need some one stronger, smarter, more determined. Yet the determined ones are trying to change the world in a bad way for money or power. Not to help others and make it a place you would want to live where everyone is happy. Take a minute to think about that. What side you want to be on. I know my side and I know the sides of the people I care about. Even though we don’t agree and I believe they seem to be on the wrong side, I still love them. Fully.

That’s all my anarchists..

Enjoy my errors..

Ya girl,

PG.

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